Search This Blog

Saturday 31 December 2011

Cinemazov's 1st Annual Film Awards - Part One

Video Game Most Deserving of a Remake
 Directed by Robert Rodriguez
Shadows of the Damned
She's as freaked out as you are
I don't know if you have played this game but after about 10 minutes you will realize why this is a clear winner. A protagonist called Garcia Fucking Hotspur, a side kick that turns into a giant gun, crazy Mexican accents and more dick jokes (some that are actually funny) than you can shake a.......thing at. He has had his break with this years Spy Kids 4 time to kick it back up to Machete levels of awesome. 


Honorable Mentions 
-L.A. Noire: Reefer Madness, This game is already as close to a film as it could hope to be but throw Rodriguez at this and we can expect to see Cole take some bad stuff and freak out, shouting at more old ladies than Nick Cage in Bad Lieutenant could ever shout at.
-Mortal Kombat, Danny Trejo as Shao Kahn and Quentin Tarantino as Johnny Cage. Seriously if that doesn't do it for you we could never hope to be friends.


Most Pleasant Surprise
Safety Last and Georges Méliès Films in Hugo
When I first spied Harold Lloyd climbing up that clock tower on the big screen I audibly squeaked. I never expected a big budget Hollywood family film would contain such passion for classic cinema. That being said it was Scorsese. 

Honorable Mentions
-Senna, I’ve watched Formula 1 and find it dull so was massively pleased when I saw, loved and really dug an Formula 1 documentary. 
-Cedar Rapids, Ed Helms is awesome in The Hangover and ever better in The US Office, but I still wasn't expecting much from this Ed Helmed (pun) comedy, however it was sincerely funny.

Best Film Score
Drive - Cliff Martinez
For a film that echoed many tenants of eighties action cinema, the soundtrack was surprisingly cool and had less synth drums than I personally expected. It was a film that felt like it was made by someone who remembers films like Top Gun and The Cannonball Run with a very thick layer of nostalgia. Sweeping minimalist electro murmurs peppered with a few eighties-esque pop songs, Drive sounded indescribably cool.

Honorable Mentions
-The Great White Silence - Simon Fisher Turner, Writing a score for a film that's 100 years old is one thing but writing a score that enhances the film is such an evocative and emotional way is beyond amazing.
-Hanna - The Chemical Brothers, Much like Daft Punk the year before with Tron: Legacy, The Chemical Brothers didn't just write some new songs and slap them on a film, they created an electronic contemporary powerhouse with one of the most memorable jaunty tunes (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eE4_XlnNCcs) since the whistling in Twisted Nerve (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1JsaNjEMdA4)


Most Inappropriately Named Animal
We two brothers went to go see The Great White Silence at a very cool independent non-mainstream cinema in Sheffield called The Showroom (check it out, it’s dope). Joining us in the viewing were a great number of scholarly arty types so when it was revealed the name of Scott’s Crew’s Cat we had to try super duper hard to stifle our chuckles. The Crew’s cat’s name I hear you cry!? N***er. That’s right Li’l N***er was the name of their little black cat. Highly inappropriate I think you’ll agree. 
Honorable Mentions
-Li’l N***er wins easily hands down.


Best Interpretation of a Historical Figure
Corey Stoll as Ernest Hemingway
Midnight in Paris was one hell of a film. It celebrated literature, art and fruitful lifestyles whilst warning us of the dangers of yearning for a different time. It drenches you in detached nostalgia in a terrifically stylish manner and for anyone who wants to live in the era it depicts it was truly a joy. It contained many brilliant cameos from artists such as Dali and Picasso, Director Luis Buñuel and authors F. Scott Fitzgerald and  Gertrude Stein. They were all depicted with a sense of humor and yet grounded reality but none more than the divine Ernest Hemingway. I am maybe slightly biased as I adore the man and his prose but I think anyone can appreciate the ridiculous humor is Hemingway's scenes. He is always talking about hunting or how you can't live until you have made proper love. It is the most I have laughed all year making Corey Stroll (and the writing talents of the immortal Woody Allen) best historical performance, screw you Meryl Streep.


Honorable Mentions
-Adrien Brody as Salvador Dali, For the same reasons as Hemingway. All that talk or Rhinos


Best Comic Book Movie
Thor/X-Men First Class
It’s been a damn good year for comic book movies but for sheer gleeful comic book joy the winner has to be Thor. It really shouldn’t have worked, on paper an origin story for an obscure marvel character based on a norse god directed by Kenneth Branagh hardly screamed excellence. But excellence it delievered, a fun, funny, fast-paced, clever, balls-to-the-wall slice of comic book movie brilliance. Plus Thor was so damn manly he double kicked a man in the chest while fighting in the mud, whilst it was raining. Top that! Having said all that, picking up the X-Men series after it's been tossed in the mud twice was one hell of a feat. After the failure of an origins story that Wolverine was it's nice to finally get some X-Men back story that's actually interesting.

Honorable Mentions
-Captain America was ace and the double whammy of new avengers origin films this year got levels of excitement for The Avengers to almost unbearable levels. 


Best Trailer
The Hobbit
The Hobbit kinda cheated. It played the smallest section of some Lord of the Rings music and I was already bouncing off the walls. It also put one of those annoying songs the Dwarves sing and made it sound awesome. It's been a rocky road for The Hobbit but this trailer let everyone know "S'all good"
Honorable Mentions
-The Dark Knight Rises pulled the same tricks as The Hobbit but gave a grand impression, I can't wait to see the Bat break
-The Muppets ad campaign was hilarious
-Prometheus, an Aliens prequel directed by Ridley Scott, awesome. A trailer that mimics the slowing building font of Aliens, double awesome.
-The Girl With The Dragon tattoo, Pure cool.

Saturday 24 December 2011

25 Days Of Christmas: Christmas Day - The Polar Express

The Polar Express is a festive tour de force. It's always been tradition for Sam and I to get up ridiculously early on Christmas day but it was only a few years ago that The Polar Express became our Christmas morning movie and we haven't looked back since. It's got it all; snow, songs, hot chocolate, Santa, Elves, the colour red and Tom Hanks. There is no doubt that I am extremely biased and the fact I adore it so much is solely based on the fact that we watch it just before the start of all the festive fun, but I don't see that as an inherently bad thing. You should take festive joy where you can get it.
The Polar Express

The Christmas Story
The Little boy in the blue dressing gown is becoming somewhat disenfranchised with Christmas. He has a drawer full of evidence disproving the existence of Santa and does a little stupid smirk whenever he sees fake Santa's. It's not that he doesn't want to believe, he just doesn't want to be let down. Well someone hears about this kid who needs to be taught a Christmas lesson, and late into the night a steam train pulls up outside his house. Tom Hanks picks him up, taking him on a journey to the North Pole to see Santa himself. From that point on The Polar Express is a selection of giant perilous set pieces meshed together with at least five different encounters with Tom Hanks. A lot happens (as you would imagine) in to journey from some middle American town to the North Pole. The train skates across ice, nearly decimates an entire Caribou population and ascends a curly mountain. It's riveting stuff at and one point everyone drinks hot chocolate. Also a golden ticket runs with a Wolf pack. 5/5

The Voice of Christmas
TOM HANKS 5/5

The Annoying Kid At Christmas 
This category as been a bit of a dud. There have been nowhere near as many annoying kids in these films as we'd hoped but lets be honest, this category was created for one kid only. That kid is the Know-it-all kids with the glasses that just doesn't shut up. People just walk away from him and he keeps nattering on about trains and regulations. He is amazing and he gets taught his lesson by simply misreading a ticket and being told so by Tom Hanks. 5/5

The Christmas Miracle
So the boy is picked up by and magical train, survives countless perils, meets the ghost of Tom Hanks, sees flocks of elves and a magical festive eleven village but all that does not sway his belief in the existence of Santa, no, a bell that does not ring is what the boy needs to allow him to say "I believe" 5/5

The Christmas Message
Faith is more important than fact when it comes to Christmas time. 5/5

Additional Points
-Tom Hanks
-The fat kid whose only line is "ELVES"
-CARIBOU
-It's Christmas time
-It's somewhat magical
-Scratch that, it's all the way Magical
-Tom Hanks

Overall Festivity Rating 100/25

Many thanks to you for taking the time to read our silly and somewhat pointless ramblings, it's been a lot of fun for the both of us.  very Merry Christmas to you all and to all and goodnight.

And in the words of Tiny Tim "God bless us, everyone"

25 Days Of Christmas: Christmas Eve - The Muppet Christmas Carol


Every family has their own Christmas traditions. Some families sit around playing monopoly and arguing about how much should be paid for Mayfair, some families drink loads and argue, some sit in abject silence glued to the box, some eat an obscene amount of food and sit around complaining about how full they are and saying that they'll never be hungry again. However, our family have the best Christmas tradition, on Christmas Eve we sit down together, eat a huge amount of festive buffet food and watch Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol re-imagined by those most glorious of puppets, The Muppets. Yes I'm biased but this film is quite genuinely THE BEST Christmas film ever ever made. So, here goes...
The Muppet Christmas Carol


The Christmas Story
I hope by this point you are aware of this most famous of Christmas tales, if you aren't then there is a good chance that you have been living under a rock or have been in orbit around earth in a tiny pod for the past 110 years. Michael Caine does an absolutely stellar job as the traditional Christmas miser Ebeneezer Scrooge who abhors the festive period and is entirely devoid of Christmas joy and cheer despite the fact that he employs a frog and some very comical rats who can get changed really really quickly. ("This is my island in the sun!") and lives in a ye olde London towne entirely inhabited by Muppets and extras who look utterly  completely dashing in period costume. So in order to avoid the fate that his old bosses Marley & Marley suffered of being tormented by some omnipotent chains and singing boxes he is shown the error of his ways by three Christmas ghosts and learns the true meaning of Christmas. And the whole thing is expertly narrated by The Great Gonzo and Rizzo the Rat. AND it is chock full of Muppets. It's friggin' magical. 5/5

The Voice of Christmas
There are so many people who deserve to be the victors in this prestigious category. The Great Gonzo/Charles Dickens tells his story like a pro, in such a delightfully cheerful festive manner it really is a joy to behold. Then there's Fozzie Bear, Fozzie Bear loves Christmas so much that he is willing to throw his rubber chicken factory's money at giving his employees and friends a rip-roaring Christmas party. Then we have the delightful post ghost visit Scrooge who is so ludicrously full of Christmas joy, goodwill and excitement that he bursts into song. and then we have the supreme Beaker and Dr Bunsen who go out of their way to collect money for the less fortunate on Christmas Eve and give away an amazing red scarf as a gift. All of these people and more are sublime voices of Christmas, they fill me so full of cheer it's a wonder I don't spend all of December and January in a perpetual state of singing and huge amounts of festivity. 5/5

The Annoying Kid At Christmas 
There are only two annoying things about Muppet's Christmas Carol, 1) it ends and 2) you can only watch it once a year. There are no annoying characters, I mean Fred Scrooge is a bit annoying in that he turns up at Scrooge's workplace, is very nice and wishes him many festive delights and then at a later Christmas party he hosts uses him in a derogatory manner in a game of 20 questions but he is so full of cheer, joy and festivity as is literally everyone in this film. What, now that I've said that when we see Young Scrooge back in the classroom there's a bit where for some reason it sounds like he has an Australian accent and then when he is older he keeps saying "Yes Headmaster." Which is suppose is a bit annoying... 4/5

The Christmas Miracle
That turkey that Scrooge brings to the Cratchit family is huge. Literally massive. Yet it seems to be cooked really quickly. I mean i'm no culinary genius but whenever we have turkey it seems to take quite a while to cook and we do it in the oven not on a spit over a fire turned by a frog. I assume that that takes even longer than it does in an oven. I suppose they could've all sat down and played pass the parcel for a while the turkey cooked... Also, on that table at the end there is at least 6 Christmas Jellys. I know it's not a miracle about the jelly but it's an awesome idea. ALSO there is the miracle that this film is so amazing it has the ability to change lives, I know it's changed mine. 5/5

The Christmas Message
"It's true wherever you find love it feels like Christmas" To be honest I could put any quote from this film as an answer to this category and it would serve as a perfect little description of what the true Christmas message of this film is. Christmas is  about joy, family and delight at the most wonderful time of the year. But, as i said in my Scrooge review it's important to remember that anything you could do can quickly and vastly be improved if it were to be done by the Muppets. 5/5

Additional Notes
The songs are amazing.
- It's the best  Christmas film probably ever.
- It has the Muppets in it.
- That bit when Rizzo forgets his Jelly Beans and goes back through the gate is amazing.
-The cute little kiss that Rizzo gives Gonzo
- LIGHT THE LAMP NOT THE RAT! LIGHT THE LAMP NOT THE RAT! 
- I FLIPPING LOVE IT.
(A big old combined score of a glorious Plus One which makes it, wait for it, perfect.)

Overall Festivity Rating - 25/25 


Tomorrow The Polar Express COZ DUDE IT'S CHRISTMAS TOMORROW!!!!!!

Friday 23 December 2011

25 Days Of Christmas: Christmas Eve-Eve - It's A Wonderful Life

There's a pretty good chance that even if you haven't seen this film you are aware of the story it tells. One man, gloriously and sublimely played by one of my favourite actors of all time, James Stewart, is shown what the life of all his friends, family and colleagues would be like if he had never existed. Now, one poor man having a crisis of conscious, doubting his worth as a human being and contemplating suicide isn't exactly what you would term as a perfect Christmas story but believe you me it is. It is easily one of the best Christmas films ever made. a true pleasure. If you haven't already seen it, see it. You will not be disappointed. 
It's a Wonderful Life


The Christmas Story
This delightful Christmas Classic follows the life of the sublime George Bailey (beautifully played by James Stewart) and his wonderful selfless life. He is in a bit of a pickle come Christmas Eve and is considering committing that most heinous of sins. So the angels themselves decide that they have to help him out, so we see exactly all the good things that George has done in his life. Through the course of the film we see that quite literally everyone in Bedford Falls has benefited from his lovely selflessness. Be warned, if this is your first time seeing It's a Wonderful Life prepare to have the very cockles of your soul warmed to their utmost. 4/5

The Voice of Christmas
Ah Clarence. I sincerely hope that all angels are like Clarence. All bumbling and lovely and about half way through The Adventures of Tom Sawyer. It is he who instigates one of the best Christmas stories ever. He shows the depressed George Bailey that the life of literally everyone in Bedford Falls would be utterly pants without him. Added on to that is the fact that he is jolly, kind, friendly, loves mulled wine, funny and has some of the most impressive eyebrows I've ever seen. 4/5 

The Annoying Li'l Kid (At Christmas)
Henry F. Potter is categorically the most abhorrently deplorable character in the history of the cinematic.  Describing him as a money grubbing buzzard doesn't do anything near justice to how evil he is. He is quite genuinely about 7 times worse than at least 50 scrooges. He steals $8,000 from the wonderful old Bailey Building and Loans, he goes out of his way to cause misery, pain and hardship to his fellow man. When faced with the problem of what will happen to the little poor children he mutters "they aren't my problem". He relishes in the pleasure that he gets by seeing people suffer, i would quite honestly not be surprised if he actually cheered when news reached him of Bailey Snr's death. He is one of the most abhorrent villains in the history of film history. He transcends the barrier of being a "boo hiss" panto villain and instead slips into the category of "pure actual evil" right alongside Hitler and Michael Bay. I know it's Christmas Eve Eve but, i'm going to say it, I hate him. He deserves naught but pain, heartache and a slap in the face...hard. 4/5

The Christmas Miracle
Think about your life. I mean unless you happen to be Charles Manson or the ghost of Dr. Mengele chances are that you are quite nice and have done some things that people look back on fondly and go "Man, i'm pleased so and so made that happen for me." For example my friend Bill King told me to watch this awesome action film called Riki-Oh: The Legend of Ricky and it was awesome (a man tries to strangle his oppononet using his own intestines) and on occassion I think about Riki-Oh: The Legend of Ricky and I am sure to thank Bill for introducing it to my life. Now, that's not that big a thing but the life of George Bailey, my word. If it wasn't for him every single person in Bedford Falls/Pottersville would be having an utterly naff life. Kids would be dead, kindly sad dentists would be alcoholics, poor families houses would be graves, the Building and Loan Building would be disbanded and turned into a sleazy bar and worst of all George's wife would've been an old maid, never found love and become short sighted. That is an awful lot, it's damn miraculous that the selfless actions of one man could've severely affected so many people. But at the same time, my word is it ever lovely. 5/5

The Christmas Message
"A man is never alone who has friends." - THAT my friends is so what Christmas is about.
However if you haven't seen It's a Wonderful Life The Christmas Message here is "Go and See It's a Wonderful Life as soon as possible. 5/5


Additional Notes.
- The Bailey Family's sassy black maid is a thing of utter glory. (+0.5)
- That "HEE HAW" salute they do is awesome. I'll be doing it all this Christmas season! (+0.5)
- The Charleston dance and James Stewart's back and forth slapstick tentative pool dancing is glorious. (+0.5)
- James Stewart decalres at one point in the film that he "is off to do some passionate necking." Awesome. (+0.5)
- "You on the nest?" is a great way to query a pregnancy. (+0.5)


OVERALL FESTIVITY RATING - 24.5/25


TOMORROW The Muppet Christmas Carol Coz It's Christmas Eve!!!!!!!!!!!

Wednesday 21 December 2011

25 Days of Christmas: Day Twenty-One - The Nightmare Before Christmas

The Nightmare Before Christmas is one of those things you always see in 'Alternative' clothing stores. I'm not sure when but at some point in it's existence it took on a life of it's own and became an entity. Since then you can get bags in the shape of Jack Skellington's face, dioramas, alarm clocks, mugs, posters, nighties even dog tags cause you would't want to got to war with proclaiming your love for Tim Burton's seminal/influential animated feature. But if we forget about all those cute scene kids and sit down to watch the film that inspired the mayhem, turns out it's still a pretty cool and Christmassy feature.
The Nightmare Before Christmas

The Christmas Story
We open with the classic Christmas jingle "This is Halloween" Jack is the Pumpkin King and has been for many a year in the stop motion holiday district o Halloween Town. He is the best Halloween party planner in the world and everybody loves him, many with a disturbingly stalker-like enthusiasm. However he is getting pretty bored of all the horror and wants to find a new fun Holiday to plan. After a night long amble in the neighbouring woods Jack stumbles upon a circle of trees with doors carved into the bark in an interesting array of shapes. He is most attracted to the shape of an evergreen covered in decorations and lights. After being practically dragged inside by a breath of fresh air he witnesses the majesty and wonder of Christmas Town and decides to bring Christmas to Halloween...if that makes sense. Having seen the wonder with his own eyes he assumes it will be easy but instead of just transposing all the elements he decides to conduct experiments so he can truly understand what it all means. Even though it's set in a place called Halloween Town, The Nightmare Before Christmas is probably one of the most truly Christmassy films of all. It's all about embracing tenants alien to your own and having a crap load of fun. Of course a Halloween Town Christmas is slightly different to your usual stuffed turkey variety but that's the wonder of Christmas, everyone has there own traditions and habits. 5/5

The Voice of Christmas
There are three up for consideration. Sally tells everyone she knows bad things are bound to happen and she saves Santa but never really sits Jack down to teach him a lesson. Santa is usually the ideal Voice of Christmas but here he does so little we would just be inferring knowledge. Jack tries so hard and he has all the best intentions in attempting to steal Christmas but it doesn't lead to good things. In the real world all of the horrific gifts aren't received well. Turns out kids don't want giant tree-eating snakes. But he thought he was doing well that's the important thing. 4/5

The Annoying Kid At Christmas 
Shock, Lock and Barrel are the only characters in this film that I think can be classified as kids, the rest are either just small or elves. Luckily for us though they are annoying. They kidnap Santa  and send him off to be eaten by Oogie Boogie. That's more horrific than it is annoying but in the world of Halloween Town that's probably just considered a nuisance. They do sing a good song though and Lock is played by Paul Reubens so they aren't all bad. 2/5

The Christmas Miracle
Santa manages to save Christmas within one minute of being set free. Santa really is super awesome. 5/5

The Christmas Message
Don't be down about your good qualities embrace them and love them sometimes it's best to leave it to the professionals. 3/5

Additional Points
-The way he makes Christmas is essentially by putting lights on everything +0.25
-The Mayor is the best portrait of bipolar disorder +0.25
-It all looks awesome +0.5
-Even though a good portion of the music is somewhat over-played it's still really good +1

Overall Festivity Rating 21/25

Tomorrow TV Specials Coz You Have To Watch TV Around The Holiday Season.

Tuesday 20 December 2011

25 Days of Christmas: Day Twenty - Home Alone 2: Lost in New York

Evil Dead II: Dead by Dawn, Toy Story 2, Dawn of the Dead, Mad Max 2: The Road Warrior, Lethal Weapon 2 and The Empire Strikes Back; it is very rare to find a sequel that is better than the film that preceded it but when a superior sequel does come around it is a truly joyous occasion. The first Home Alone film is awesome but for my money the sequel Lost in New York is the best of the series. It's bigger, funnier, has Tim Curry in it and the tragedy and hardships that befall The Sticky Bandits is even more extreme than ever before. So, join me as I take a fantastic journey through the second time Kevin's family totally forget to check he was there to join them on their Christmas holidays and he accidentally got lost in New York.
HOME ALONE 2: LOST IN NEW YORK


The Christmas Story
One year on from the events of their tumultuous last Christmas the McCallister family decide to throw caution to the wind and head to sunny Miami for the holiday season. However Kevin, whilst looking for spare batteries in his dad's bag, follows the wrong snappily dressed dad-a-like and boards a plane bound for New York. Kevin disembarks and proceeds to rinse his dad's Christmas savings in the big apple. However the wet bandits have escaped from prison/the phantom zone (see The Christmas Miracle for more) and under their new guise as The Sticky Bandits are keen to pull off a big Christmas robbery, but they don't bank on a certain little boy being their to give them a run for their money. Much like the first film the story isn't exactly Christmassy but over the years it has become such a massive Christmas staple, plus Lost in New York plays a lot more on the idea of Christmas. and it's rad. 4/5

The Voice of Christmas
If this category was decided in terms of actual voice the award would easily go to the sublime Tim Curry, his voice is amazing and shows that even 6 years before the show started he was already making plans for Nigel Thornberry. But in terms of being the Voice of Christmas it has to be the kindly old gent who runs Duncan's Toy Store, Mr E.F.Duncan. The man embodies such lovely Christmas ideals he's very conscientious and looks out for Kevin's interests. Also he donates ALL of his Christmas takings to a local children's hospital, not just a hospital but a children's hospital! that's like good piled on top of goodness covered in a healthy smattering of Christmas kindness. If that wasn't enough he gives Kevin some sweet turtle doves and gives the McCallister family a crap ton of presents come Christmas morning. That is some serious festive cheer and goodwill right there! 4/5

The Annoying Li'l Kid (At Christmas)
Buzz. It's always f**king Buzz. He is such a gonk. He looks like the ultimate mid-90's annoying bully and goshdamn acts like it to. His despicable antics at the school Christmas carol service and his manufactured turn around apology afterwards are prime douchebag tactics. Even on actual Christmas Day when Kevin gets them all an ace hotel room and some even acerer presents Buzz still gives Kevin gip. I sincerely hope that all that Buzz's future holds is misery, heartache, getting some ugly girl he doesn't like pregnant and then getting imprisoned for a crime didn't commit and is shacked up in jail with a guy who boots him straight in the nuts every single day. 4/5

The Christmas Miracle
Marv and Harry can't possibly have been incarcerated in a normal prison, I reckon that their is a secret subplot where it is revealed that Marv and Harry are actually fugitives from Krypton and were imprisoned in the phantom zone only to escape in a similar fashion to how General Zod did in Superman II. How else can you explain how Harry and Marv emerge relatively unscathed from the atrocities that befall them at the hands of little Kevin McCallister. They both fall hard onto the pavement as a result of some beads. Harry in fact falls in a similar fashion on more than one occasion.  They both get punched in the face by a feisty femme. Harry is catapulted high into the air and lands on a car then barely winded carries on, he then has a load of tools fall directly onto his head, as if his head could take anymore it is then set on fire and the problem is exacerbated by a toilet bowl full of explosives that, essentially, cause his head to explode. The ladder Harry climbs then breaks causing him to once again go crashing to the floor. But it's Marv that remains an actual miracle of modern science, how that guy isn't dead is an actual full on unadulterated miracle. He gets 4 bricks hurled at his head from off of a four storey building. four bricks. to the head. madness. he then suffers the painful indignity of having his bum, face and gentleman area staple gunned at high speed. Marv then enters the building only to fall 2 floors down onto concrete where he slips on some slime and has a shelf full of paint tins fall on him, presumably causing him to swallow an awful lot of lead based paint. As if it couldn't get  any worse for Marv he is then electrocuted to such a degree that his skull jumps out of his head. They then both suffer even more catastrophe when a metal drain pipe smacks them in the face, twice, a tool chest smashes them into a wall bending their noses out of shape, they are scorched and burnt by a kerosene soaked rope and then fall a further 3 floors directly onto the pavement. It is little wonder that Marv doesn't remember what happened last year. 5/5

The Christmas Message
If you intend to do anything of a nefarious nature this Christmas ensure without a shadow of a doubt that anyone who may try and foil you is taken out of action. Be they an old man, a young lady, a little boy or, i dunno, two cats. Make sure they are not going to stop you or you will be subject to pain and torment like no other. 
Oh, and don't leave your kids alone in New York I guess. 3/5

Additional Notes
- Kevin has a talkboy. I always wanted a talkboy and always wanted to use it exactly like he did. (+0.5)
- Kevin's eyebrown raise and smirk direct to camera is really damn funny. (+0.5)
- The ironic use of "It's the most wonderful time of the year" when the family arrive at the rain soaked miami hotel resort. (+0.5)
- Aforementioned rain soaked miami hotel is showing a spanish dub of "It's a Wonderful Life" on TV. (+0.5)
- Kevin's favourite first film gangster film gets a sublime Christmassy sequel in Angels with even filthier souls. "Merry Christmas ya filthy animal...and a happy new year." (+1)

OVERALL FESTIVITY RATING - 23/25


Tomorrow Nightmare Before Christmas Coz When Halloween Is Over The Dead Shall Walk The Earth!!!

25 Days of Christmas: Day Twenty-Two - Christmas TV Specials

The final days of Christmas are fast approaching and before we head toward the final three Christmas classics we thought we would take a brief respite to watch ten of our favorite TV Christmas episodes. Of course writing a five part review for ten television specials is more work then two people can handle and more reading than I assume you'd be willing to do so we have done the hard work for you and condensed them somewhat. From the good to the awesome, here are ten of Cinemazov's favorite Christmas Specials.

10. The Fast Show Christmas Special
For least inventive name I put this at the bottom of the list but despite that it is still pretty funny. Many of the jokes rely on you having some knowledge of The Fast Show characters as this becomes at times more of a Fast Show retrospective with some little happy Christmas moments than an entirely Christmas show. However it's extraordinary long and I don't know if that's a good or a bad thing. The nature of sketch shows is fast fire humor but the length of the show leads it into a trap of feeling like a bit of a mess. Having said that I still watch it every year and enjoy it every year. 

9. American Dad: The Most Adequate Christmas Ever
A Matter of Life and Death meets It's a Wonderful Life in this American Dad Christmas special. I don't know about the rest of you but I got pretty bored of Family Guy by about the 5th season and American Dad was a refreshing change (in reality it was just because I love Patrick Stewart) However this special is lacking in Christmas still I'd love to go to Roger's Christmas DJ set.

8. Fairly Odd Parents: Christmas Everyday 
At one point in our lives we listened to the song "I Wish It Could Be Christmas Everyday" and thought that it would indeed be awesome. Then you grow up and realize it would be the worst thing that could ever happen (well maybe not the worst ever, but pretty high on the list). Just imagine all that wrapping paper, hell on Earth. This Fairly Odd Parents Christmas special tackles that issue with more egg nog than could be drank by the 12 thirstiest of drummers drumming.

7. Horrible Histories: Horrible Christmas
If you are yet to discover the wonder and majesty of Horrible Histories there is no time like the present. Yes, CBBC decided that they would produce something that could actually be enjoyed. Their Christmas episode does not disappoint with such classics as Historical Masterchef and the Victorian prisoners lunch. Kids TV is what Christmas is all about after all.

6. Phineas & Ferb Family Christmas 
Similarly if you are yet to watch the Disney channel classic Phineas and Ferb maybe the promise of Kelly Clarkson will mange to draw you into their old school style special (Sam tells me she did Since You've Been Gone, that was alright) It's cute but it all really kicks off at the very end with their brilliant rendition of we wish you a merry Christmas. 

5. Woodland Critter Christmas 
"It's almost time when the time is here, the tie that's only once a year. We can hardly wait cause it's so near, a Woodland Critter Christmas!" That's all you need to know really.

4. Tom & Jerry: The Night Before Christmas 
Tom and Jerry just hate each other so much. They have done all manner of horrible things to one another and it just never seems to stop. That's why my favorite episodes are the ones where they settle their differences and become friends if only for a moment. And of course the Christmas special is one of those episodes. After using all of the toys under the tree to torture the other, Tom locks Jerry outside, but dude it's the holidays and he soon has a Christmas-based change of heart. Wonderful stuff. 

3. Simpsons Roasting On An Open Fire 
You can't have a Christmas without the Simpsons and when choosing a Christmas-time episode what is better than the first ever episode (maybe that one with the Furbies and Gary Coleman). Still this first ever episode holds a special place in my heart. I Love Ralph Wiggum, that's all I'm saying, give him a spin-off show.

2. Quantum Leap: A Little Miracle 
If you wanna get me in a good mood put on any episode of Quantum Leap and give me me several bottles of Welches grape soda. I will be set for at least a week. Not only is this Christmas special based on A Christmas Carol but Al plays all three of the ghosts of Christmas cause for whatever reason the 'Scrooge' in this can see future holograms. But forget all the stuff that doesn't make sense and enjoy all the Christmas cheesiness. This year watch the only adaptation (other than the Muppets) that's worthwhile. 


1. Merry Christmas Mr. Bean
Mr.Bean saying "Just drying my hair" with a humongous turkey on his head has to be one of those images           that will stay will me forever. No matter how old I am this episode has always made me laugh. I know all the jokes are coming and yet I still love to see them play out. It's ridiculously funny and on top of that it's everything you'd expect from a Mr. Bean Christmas. No matter how old you are it's always awesome.

This year the Rev Christmas special was on and it was awesome. There are hundreds of great Christmas specials like the Holiday Armadillo and that space shark episode of Dr Who and it would be cool if we could watch them all but sadly we can't. There will eternally be awesome Christmas specials being made these are just ten ones we watched this year that we loved. Now you should go and watch loads of TV and get ready for the final three (and the best) Christmas films.


Tomorrow It's a Wonderful Life Coz We All Know That Christmas Would Be So Much Worse Without James Stewart In Our Lives

Monday 19 December 2011

25 Days of Christmas: Day Nineteen - Home Alone

There are four home alone movies. One that quite simply is a boy home alone. Another that is everyone else  at home and the boy in New York but still alone. A third with terrorists and the boy only left alone during the daytime. Finally a fourth that, if memory serves, is set in a mansion. Lets just forget about the latter half and focus our attention over the next two days on John Hughes' family magnum opus all about one boy with the worst luck for getting himself lost and alone.
Home Alone 

The Christmas Story
If you don't know the basic plot of Home Alone then ask yourself, what have you done with you life? It must have been translated into at least 5700 of the estimated 6500 languages there are in the World. It stars Joe Pesci and is written by the master of teenage angst, John Hughes. So you really have no excuse for having missed this Christmas classic. If you have missed it then go and buy it now and watch it at least 14 times to make up for lost time. And if you intend to remain as stubborn as you have already, I relent, it's about a boy of about nine who is left home alone by mistake, his family, on holiday in France. You may be thinking that that's not too bad. His Mum will be home in a day or two and all will be well again. However two burglars are targeting his street and Kevin happens to live in the biggest and fanciest of houses. Fortunately for him the burglars are a couple of grade A stooges and Kevin is apparently a Cub Scout holding the badge for best deadly trap setting abilities. As far as Christmas tradition, going away on holiday isn't what I would call festive neither is being left home alone but there is plenty of snow, decorating and over eating in this film to make it somewhat festive. Furthermore, as I have previously mentioned Home Alone is such a Christmas staple that in an odd way just for being Home Alone it is pretty festive. Paradoxes are after all the most festive of fare. 4/5

The Voice of Christmas 
The voice of Christmas in this film doesn't reveal himself until the very end but when he does its a doozy. Throughout the film he is depicted as a gnarled decrepit serial killer that can never be pinned down by the police. Kevin is terrified of him. Whenever he sees the man he does his trademark scream and then runs off to hide under some bed sheets. But of course he isn't what he seems. As Kevin sits in church, listening to a practicing choir, he spots the killer in one of the pews and for whatever reason, doesn't run. The geriatric killer turns out to be just a normal lovely old guy who spouts buckets of festive wisdom. He is also open to advice from Kevin and together they figure out their problems. Helping yourself by helping others, wonderful. 4/5

The Annoying Kid At Christmas
Buzz is a massive twat. He is that older brother that does horrible things to you but knows how to do it without your Mum noticing thus, making you look like a total gonk. In our family it was actually my sister that did this more than my brother but dude, I can sympathize. Buzz however never really gets his just desserts. Sure his room gets messed up and Kevin steals a lot of his money but Kevin will get shouted at for that not Buzz. Buzz gets off pretty much scot-free and he is the biggest douche in the world. Un. Fair. Lets hope he has a most depressing future. 3/5

The Christmas Miracle
I don't know if Marv and Harry have had their bone structure replaced with adamantium like Wolverine but they can certainly take a lot of pain. Harry gets his head set on fire, gets shot in the nuts, burns his hand to a crisp, gets turned into a chicken, is hit by a paint can, trips, slips and is beaten with a crowbar. Marv (the star of both Home Alone movies) gets shot in the head, falls down some stairs, gets smashed with an iron on the forehead, gets a nail through his foot and then falls down some steps again, slips, walks on glass ornaments, is also hit by a paint can, has a massive tarantula placed on his face and swings into a brick wall. In the end they are both clobbered with a spade and yet the wet bandits walk away from all of this seemingly as spry and competent as ever. 5/5

The Christmas Message
Maybe you should leave your kid alone once in a while, it actually seems to do Kevin a lot of good and in turn Kevin catches some bandits. When I have kids I am gonna send them to get the milk in the supermarket and then just run off to Alaska. I'll come back two weeks later and she/he will be the next Ray Mears. 2/5

Additional Points
-I haven't even mentioned that John Candy is in this film. The Story he tells Kevin's Mum to cheer her up is quite simply amazing. +2

Overall Festivity Score 20/25

Tomorrow Home Alone 2: Lost in New York Cos Catherine 'O'Hara Never Learns Her Lesson

Sunday 18 December 2011

25 Days of Christmas: Day Eighteen - A Charlie Brown Christmas

Firstly I feel I must apologise for those of you who were expecting to see my opinions on the Irving Berlin Christmas musical classic "Holiday Inn" today, alas, due to various constraints that all culminated in me not actually having any way to see Holiday Inn without paying or doing so in an illegal manner. So, apologies. BUT do not fret for in its stead I bring you a Peanuts holiday caper entitled simply "A Charlie Brown Christmas". Let us begin.



The Christmas Story
Charlie Brown is feeling a bit down as a result of the festive period and goes to Lucy for advice at her infamous psychiatric booth. She tells him that to combat the blues he has to get involved and play a more active part in the festivities, so she asks him to direct the school’s Christmas play. A play, which in the initial stages simply consists of Schroeder playing a jaunty, heavily Beethoven influenced tune, Snoopy busting out the jams on his guitar and everyone grooving to their own beat. Through this theatrical endeavour, and obviously the friendship of his pals, he hopes to have a truly happy non-commercial holiday bonanza. A snappily dressed child trying to discover the true meaning of Christmas, that my friends is pretty damn Christmassy. 4/5.


The Voice of Christmas
The blanket loving Linus Van Pelt is the film’s truest spirit of Christmas. He embodies all the ideas and ideals that really make a good festive celebration. He is fully aware that Christmas is a “truly wonderful season” He thinks quick on his feet turning his blanket into a rather fetching shepherd hat. And on top of all that it is he who, by some off the head reciting of the true Christmas story, reminds Charlie Brown and the rest of the kids that Christmas isn’t about commercialism, presents and keeping your curly hair curly it is about friendship, kinship, camaraderie and joy. He brings everyone together, helps decorates Charlie’s sad little tree and leads the gang in a rousing rendition of “Hark the Herald Angels Sing” What a Christmas Trooper. 5/5


The Annoying Li’l Girl (at Christmas)
To anyone aware of the joy that is Peanuts won’t be too surprised by the person who fills this particular place, Linus’ older sister and professional fuss-budget Lucy Van Pelt. She’s snobby, egotistical, self centred and seems only to care about financial gain. To be fair most of the girls that feature in this Peanuts Christmas special are particularly aggravating and irksome. They mock poor Charlie Brown relentlessly even finding fault in his attempts to find a really authentic Christmas tree, yes it’s small and has seen better days but there is no need for such bullying. Especially at Christmas. 3/5


The Christmas Miracle
It’s amazing that Charlie Brown keeps going back to Lucy’s psychiatrist booth. You’d think by now he’d realise that it’s a massive money making hoax! He seems to always leave her booth more worried and upset about things than he was when he arrived. Much like the football kicking Lucy has quite the miraculous grasp over poor old Charlie Brown, and seeing as how he is easily her best and most frequent customer you’d think that that’d make her more willing to be nicer to him. She must have quite a good marketing department. 2/5


The Christmas Message
All of these kids who feel that Christmas is about commercialism and presents and personal gain eventually learn that the true meaning of Christmas is one of peace and goodwill to all men, even to blockheads like Charlie Brown. 3/5


Additional Notes
-“In spite of my outward appearance I will try and keep a clean inn” Ah Pig Pen the irony isn’t lost on me! (+1)
-Snoopy’s animal impressions are awesome and the actual Peanuts comics that that happens in are some of the best! (+2)
-There are so many skits and sketches that take jokes straight from the comics and render them on screen for all to see. (+2)


OVERALL FESTIVITY RATING - 22/25


Tomorrow Home Alone Coz leaving your kid alone this Christmas does not necessarily spell disaster and a visit from social services.

Saturday 17 December 2011

25 Days of Christmas: Day Seventeen - Bad Santa

As I have previously pontificated, we can't truly celebrate the joy of Christmas and our own existence without first remembering the misery of life. Life is pretty terrible. Maybe not right now and maybe not for you, but for many it is. It's good to remember such things not just to ground us or make us feel better about ourselves but more so we can actually live. Like A Christmas Carol, Bad Santa wallows in misery. Alcoholism and depression abound before finally relenting and bringing some joy. So lets look at it together shall we.
BAD SANTA

The Christmas Story
On a day to day basis you will probably be able to find Willie (Billy Bob Thornton) in a bar drinking himself into a coma or elaborately swearing at a poor nearby defenseless child. However 30 days in the year he works as a department store Santa until, on Christmas day, Willie, with the help of Marcus (Tony Cox), break into the safe of said store and steal a few select items from the shelves. Each year Willie gets drunker and less reliable but he is one hell of a safe cracker so Marcus keeps him on. It's not until one kid becomes some what obsessed with him and follows him everywhere, constantly asking him Santa related questions, that he begins to find some purpose. Christmas in this film is used as more of a metaphor for Father figures than it is for a constant conversation topic but in Willies world (ha) depression and repressed emotions is what Christmas is all about. 4/5 

The Voice of Christmas
Brett Kelly (simply credited as 'the kid') plays the boy obsessed with Willie (ha) under the impression he is Santa. Throughout this film I was in an eternal struggle trying to decide whether or not the kid should go in this category of the annoying kid. Sure, to Willie he is annoying but every kid is annoying to him. I found him to be cuter than anything and the best moments in this film tend to happen because of him. He is constantly celebrating Christmas in everything he does and he single-handedly reforms Willie. Social reform is what Christmas is all about. 4/5

The Annoying Kid at Christmas
It probably isn't news to you, but bullies are total rubbish in every way. They are just no good. Like wasps they serve no visible purpose (Okay, they sometimes lead to great artists and other popular figures but is that enough) Bad Santa displays the worst of the worst, skater bullies. But they get kicked in the nuts so I like to think he does get taught a lesson. 3/5

The Christmas Miracle
The Happiest moment in this film is when you get to see Santa beat up a crap load of punk kids. Cheering on Santa in assault is the truest miracle. 4/5

The Christmas Message
Find a purpose to your life and all will be good. Also don't shoot Santa, it will get surely you into a lot of trouble and will ruin a child's Christmas. 3/5

Additional Points
-The scenes between Bernie Mac and John Ritter are absolute gold +1
-Having said that every scene with Ritter is Gold +1
-The head first nose dive by Willie down the escalator is probably the best throw-away gag in any of these films yet. +1

Overall Festivity Score 21/25

Tomorrow Holiday Inn cos it was a joyous Christmas film before it was a depressing hotel.

Friday 16 December 2011

25 Days of Christmas: Day Sixteen - Scrooge

I can’t honestly say if you’ll be aware of the story of this particular Christmas classic. You see it is a slightly obscure tale filmed in Black and White in the 50’s based on this story that was written back in the 1800's by a little known author named Charles Dickens, apparently he stole the story of the musical Oliver! and turned it into a book. Well, let us press on and I shall do my best to tell you the tale of…
SCROOGE (1951)
The Christmas Story
Scrooge tells the tale of a crotchety old miser called Ebenezer Scrooge, a man ‘not in the habit of keeping Christmas’ who is a right Christmas kill-joy. He begrudges his workers time off on Christmas Day, yells at ghosts and scares off lovely carol singing kids and poor blind beggars. On the eve of Christmas he is visited by his old boss Jacob Marley who tells him he must change his scrooge-like ways or be doomed, DOOMED I SAY. So Marley enlists the help of three Christmas spirits to show him that – hold on, this story is pretty much a carbon copy of the one in The Muppet’s Christmas Carol only without songs and without Muppets. Therefore the story is, I suppose, a Christmas classic… which is nice. 5/5.

The Voice of Christmas
Mr Fezziwig is the only person I can spy who embodies the Voice of Christmas role, the Cratchit family are all about Christmas but are excitable in such an over the top sickly way that I thought it best to avoid them. Also the Cratchit family aren’t played by Kermit and Miss Piggy and their subsequent offspring. So back to Mr Fezziwig,even Scrooge himself, who is mad scrooge-like agrees that he incites happiness, merriment and joy into every single person he meets. He says barely any lines but embodies the voice of Christmas in a splendid barely glimpsed Christmas jig and when he refuses money from a businessman to spare the jobs and feeling of his employees. PLUS when Scrooge leaves his employ we hear that Fezziwig wished him good luck and had no hard feelings towards his abandonment. Although, he isn’t played by Fozzie Bear, so that’s a point off right there. The Ghost of Christmas Present is pretty darn festive and full of Christmas joy, but he isn’t played by a little absent minded spirit. Or should that be a large absent minded spirit? 3.5/5

The Annoying Li’l Girl (At Christmas)
Jacob Marley is such a little whiner, he screams and moans and beefs like a good ‘un. When he first arrives on the scene he is malevolent, ghostly and quite eerily spooky but after awhile he abandons all sense of spooky decorum and instead screams, shrieks and hollers every line he has. Which makes his message of fear and repentance somewhat less serious and quite a bit more, well, humorous? Plus his message isn’t delivered in the form of an ace song by Statler and Waldorf, making him all the more irksome. 3.5/5

The Christmas Miracle
Surely by now you know the drill? Scrooge repents his awful evil ways and embraces the feelings of kindness, joy, goodwill, jumping and laughing. I suppose the real miracle here is that no one tries to get Scrooge committed to the loony bin when he wakes up full of Christmas beans on Christmas Day. He jumps, skips, sings, dances and even tries to stand on his head and his laugh, he laughs like how the Joker laughs. It’d be like if one day during the Nuremburg Rally Hitler had stood smiled gaily, sang traditional Jewish songs and then started break dancing, it’s that mad a transformation doesn’t help that Sim plays it a bit mad he already has the shock of white mad professor hair. PLUS Tiny Tim isn’t really that tiny, it’s miraculous that no one, not even the boy himself says “Erm, I’m actually as tall as everyone else. Cut it out!” 4/5

The Christmas Message
Stop for a moment and think of something you have done that you are really proud of. It could be a story you wrote, a poem you penned, a meal you cooked, a film you shot, a dress you made, anything! Got it? Good. Now to understand Scrooge’s Christmas message you must accept the fact that whatever you chose that you are proud of could at any point be taken by the Muppets and made at least 15 times better. Once you have come to terms with that then you have come to terms with what the message of Scrooge really is. 3/5

Additional Notes
-The language is pure Dickens and as a result a joy to listen to – “I don’t make business in the face of inclement weather.” (+1)
-Alastair Sim’s Scrooge is good, but Caine’s is better. (-1)
-It made me really really excited to watch The Muppet’s Christmas Carol. (+2)
-It’s good, but it doesn’t use Muppets. Literally everything this film does is done by the Muppets but done better and with more warmth, humour and feeling. It’s a good rendition of the Classic Dickensian tale but compared to The Muppet’s Christmas Carol it pales in comparison. (-4)

OVERALL FESTIVITY RATING – 17/25 (Although if you haven’t got a fond spot in your heart for The Muppet’s Christmas Carol add at least 5 marks.)

Tomorrow Bad Santa Coz we can't have you all getting too bogged down in Christmas joy and happiness.