4 years ago when Joe and I first undertook our sterling festive film cavalcade we stuffed those 25 days full of our full-on, all-time fave Christmas films ever. At that point I was giddy that I could waste time watching and writing about Christmas films that at no point did I stop and think “hey, wait. maybe we shouldn't do home alone 1 & 2 just in case we decided in 4 years’ time that we'd like to do another brothers cinemazov Christmas film watching thing and need some Christmas classics to fall back on.” That thought never crossed my mind. Which is why now we're having to search far and wide and really rack our brains to come up with 12 Christmas films that we haven't already covered. Now, I couldn't agree more I'd love nothing more than for me to just watch Die Hard again BUT THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS! It struck me when thinking of potential Christmas films for this new list that sometime last year I'd endeavoured, but failed, to watch Trading Places. I'd seen it on some BFI “best Christmas films list” list and thought “Murphy! Akroyd! Christmas! Count me in!” and just like that I didn't watch it and watched “Jingle all the way” instead. So, what better time to broaden my Christmas film horizons and watch something I haven't seen before and something that IMDB user 'caspian1978' describes as “…funny yes, but there is so much more.” Intrigued? Then let us begin.
The Christmas Story
Now, this is one of those Christmas films that's only real link to the season is that it's set in the season. The film centres around the twin might of comedic juggernauts Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy, Akroyd plays Louis Winthorpe III the kind of man who has a butler, plays the stock market, attends “The Club” and is asked to be “the fourth in a game of squash this weekend”. Murphy plays the counterpart to this elite well-to-do snobbish investor in the form of the homeless, imaginative and ostentatious Billy Ray Valentine. The brothers whom Akroyd works for, Randolph & Mortimer (modelled methinks after the muppets' resident crabs Statler & Waldorf, albeit more evil) set the film’s wheels in motion when they make a wager that they can use their power, money and influence to switch Louis & Billy Ray's lives around. Whilst not a traditionally Christmassy story Landis does litter every scene with Christmas decorations, Salvation Army fundraising, Santa outfits and a slight sprinkling of slushy snow. So I guess 1.5 for the story and 0.5 for some great Christmas setting moments.
2/5
The Voice of Christmas
Eeeesshhhhh. This is really a tough one. No one ever really embodies the true pleasing voice of Christmas. Sure people say “Christmas” or “Happy Christmas” a few times but at no point does anyone really vocalise what it is that makes this a joyously festive Christmas treat.
My two contenders for this one (and earning a point each) is when Ophelia tells Louis to stay in bed coz “nobody works on Christmas Eve” - that at least goes some of the way to showing that Christmas is a time to look after people and focus on the holidays and not on idle matters like work or getting better.
Second is when, on Christmas Day, after Coleman & Billy Ray have saved Louis from his spiral of self-destruction and begin to formulate a plan to get back at the wicked Duke Brothers, Coleman appears with a bowl of eggnog (that looks like just a big bowl of melted ice cream) and all but shouts “Egg Nog?!”
2/5
The Annoying Kid at Christmas
Whilst devoid of kids, Trading Places definitely fills this category to the utmost. The abominable, despicable, reprehensible, money hungry Duke Brothers, Randolph & Mortimer. They really are chaps devoid of any moral fibre and I suppose end up being less annoying and more, downright evil. When they formulate their plan to ruin Louis' life they remark that they've “done it before” and even Coleman after hearing of the plan calls them Scumbags. They really are excellent baddies to rally against rather than being irked by the “annoying kid” I found myself aching for them to do more diabolical things so that when their inevitable Christmas downfall came it'd be all the more sweet. Top scumbags.
4/5
The Christmas Miracle
When we first meet Billy Ray, he is pretending to be a blind amputee war veteran. Here is a man who has been toughened up to life on the streets - when he's in the slammer we see how he's learnt to defend himself and distort the truth to earn the respect of those who threaten him. When he is being chased by the fuzz he is spry, fast and quick witted, keen to escape incarceration. The Christmas miracle, as far as I'm concerned, in Trading Places is how amazingly fast he adapts and embraces his new well-to-do life, it is lightning fast. In one scene he's dressed up impressing the patrons at the bar revelling in his newfound wealth and fortune but in the very next moment when they're having a crazy wild time at his house he is all of a sudden massively formal and incredibly agitated by everyone's disrespect, lack of coaster usage and excess of toplessness. That's not the Billy Ray he once was. He takes to his new position like a duck to water - a Christmas miracle for the ages.
4/5
The Christmas Message
Hmm.
Don't bet on people's lives and well-being?
Buy lots of pork bellies?
Don't look a Christmas gift horse in the mouth?
DO look a Christmas gift horse in the mouth?
Don't do drugs?
If two crotchety old strangers offer to inexplicably change your life for the better, have a good think before you say yes?
Next question please.
0/5
Additional Lines
The amazing lines - + 1
“When I was young if we wanted a jacuzzi we had to fart in the tub.”
“MONKEY! MONKEY! I'M A F**KING GORILLA YOU CLOWN!”
“I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.”
The guy in the lock up who just says “YEAH.” + 1
Dan Akroyd in black face. - 1
The fact that Paul Gleason, the chap who plays Clarence Beeks, is not only the principal in The Breakfast Club but also Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson in Die Hard. And that he gets raped by a gorilla and doesn't die. + 2
Conclusion
How does John Landis' 1983 Christmas comedy caper measure up to the greatest Christmas film that there ever has been (The Polar Express)? It doesn't.
It's good, don't get me wrong. I did quite a few LOLs and really enjoyed watching it, heck, I'll probably watch it again but it's just not Christmassy enough for me. DAMN HECK ASS NOWHERE NEAR CHRISTMASSY ENOUGH! Still. Good film though.
15/25
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