12 Days of Christmas: Day 4 - The Holiday

It was nice having Sam for a day instead of me wasn’t it? He was the substitute teacher who came in for the day and you just did whatever you liked and had a good time. I guess in that scenario I am the full-time teacher that stresses everyone out and makes students cry. Wow, I really don’t come out well in this metaphor. Maybe I’ll just move onto the film we are looking at today so quiet in the back. 

Today we are having a look at the Nancy Meyers’ Romantic Comedy The Holiday. It’s a film that, in my humble opinion, is about getting through Christmas as a lovelorn thirty-something single woman. Now if it isn’t already exceedingly clear, these 12 days and their 25 day predecessor is an incredibly biased set of film reviews that are solely based on their writers’ feelings toward Christmas and how it should best be represented. I am not a lovelorn thirty-something single woman. So let’s just go ahead and see how Christmassy it makes me feel. 

Wait, actually before we start let me say this: the film skips Christmas day. It goes Eve ——— Boxing day then flies right off to New Year so that’s -5 straight from the off thus making this the first film to start with minus points. Good luck guys. 

The Christmas Story

Cameron Diaz and Kate Winslet play two women who are really terrible with their hearts. Winslet is throwing it all over the place and is happy to play second fiddle as long as she can stare at this curly headed fuck who is just the biggest asshole in the world. Meanwhile Diaz is exceedingly practical and can’t even cry despite the fact she wouldn’t mind crying every now and then. It’s sorta like a really poorly thought out adaptation of Sense & Sensibility. They both come to the identical conclusion that they need to just leave the country and avoid men and love and just focus on themselves, so they house swap. They then meet men and they solve their problems. Oh also, it’s the Christmas holidays, so you’ll see snow sometimes and maybe a tree. 

1/5

The Voice of Christmas 

So Winslet swaps places with Diaz and that puts Winslet right on Sunset Blvd. right next to an elderly ex-screenwriter. He is the one part of this film that did make me feel oddly Christmassy. Maybe it’s just old people, but he is wise and comforting. He also teaches Kate Winslet’s character to respect herself and not just be some side girl. None of which are particularly Christmassy lessons. But to be sure, self-respect shouldn’t be sniffed at no matter what the holiday is.  

3/5

The Annoying Kid at Christmas 

The two children that star in this film are horrifically cloying but undeniably pretty cute. It’s annoying how they are used as emotional leverage but let’s not get bitchy about this film. Let us go back to the curly headed fuckboi who messes with Kate Winslet. My god he is a shit. I think every time he showed up I verbally abused him. He is just a worthless human being and from minute one any viewer can tell he is bad news and barely even attractive. The down point is that he receives absolutely no comeuppance. He is used by Winslet as the stepping stone into maturity but really you are left wanting him to be left naked in a ditch somewhere, or at least for the film to end with the lady he was planning on marrying finding out he is a worthless crock pot of bile and leave him. 

3/5

The Christmas Miracle  

Jack Black

5/5

The Christmas Message

Be your own woman but also find a man ‘cause you can’t function without one…

0/5

Additional Points

-Jack Black +2

-This was the only picture I could find that was Christmassy -1

Conclusion 

Christmas time rom-coms are a brilliant combination. You only need to look at the modern Christmas classic Love, Actually to see that. But here we see a run of the mill rom-com that slots itself into the winter season with the dream of becoming a great Christmas film by association. I may be being overly harsh but I’m doing this in my free time and appeasing fans of The Holiday isn’t really what I’m shooting for here. I’m sure Star Wars VII: The Force Awakens is a better Christmas film than The Holiday but it’s not like we’d be stupid enough to review that now would we…

8/25

12 Days of Christmas: Day 3 - Trading Places (Sam)

4 years ago when Joe and I first undertook our sterling festive film cavalcade we stuffed those 25 days full of our full-on, all-time fave Christmas films ever. At that point I was giddy that I could waste time watching and writing about Christmas films that at no point did I stop and think “hey, wait. maybe we shouldn't do home alone 1 & 2 just in case we decided in 4 years’ time that we'd like to do another brothers cinemazov Christmas film watching thing and need some Christmas classics to fall back on.” That thought never crossed my mind. Which is why now we're having to search far and wide and really rack our brains to come up with 12 Christmas films that we haven't already covered. Now, I couldn't agree more I'd love nothing more than for me to just watch Die Hard again BUT THAT’S NOT HOW THIS WORKS! It struck me when thinking of potential Christmas films for this new list that sometime last year I'd endeavoured, but failed, to watch Trading Places. I'd seen it on some BFI “best Christmas films list” list and thought “Murphy! Akroyd! Christmas! Count me in!” and just like that I didn't watch it and watched “Jingle all the way” instead. So, what better time to broaden my Christmas film horizons and watch something I haven't seen before and something that IMDB user 'caspian1978' describes as “…funny yes, but there is so much more.” Intrigued? Then let us begin.

The Christmas Story

Now, this is one of those Christmas films that's only real link to the season is that it's set in the season. The film centres around the twin might of comedic juggernauts Dan Akroyd and Eddie Murphy, Akroyd plays Louis Winthorpe III the kind of man who has a butler, plays the stock market, attends “The Club” and is asked to be “the fourth in a game of squash this weekend”. Murphy plays the counterpart to this elite well-to-do snobbish investor in the form of the homeless, imaginative and ostentatious Billy Ray Valentine. The brothers whom Akroyd works for, Randolph & Mortimer (modelled methinks after the muppets' resident crabs Statler & Waldorf, albeit more evil) set the film’s wheels in motion when they make a wager that they can use their power, money and influence to switch Louis & Billy Ray's lives around. Whilst not a traditionally Christmassy story Landis does litter every scene with Christmas decorations, Salvation Army fundraising, Santa outfits and a slight sprinkling of slushy snow. So I guess 1.5 for the story and 0.5 for some great Christmas setting moments.

2/5

The Voice of Christmas

Eeeesshhhhh. This is really a tough one. No one ever really embodies the true pleasing voice of Christmas. Sure people say “Christmas” or “Happy Christmas” a few times but at no point does anyone really vocalise what it is that makes this a joyously festive Christmas treat.

My two contenders for this one (and earning a point each) is when Ophelia tells Louis to stay in bed coz “nobody works on Christmas Eve” - that at least goes some of the way to showing that Christmas is a time to look after people and focus on the holidays and not on idle matters like work or getting better. 

Second is when, on Christmas Day, after Coleman & Billy Ray have saved Louis from his spiral of self-destruction and begin to formulate a plan to get back at the wicked Duke Brothers, Coleman appears with a bowl of eggnog (that looks like just a big bowl of melted ice cream) and all but shouts “Egg Nog?!”

2/5

The Annoying Kid at Christmas

Whilst devoid of kids, Trading Places definitely fills this category to the utmost. The abominable, despicable, reprehensible, money hungry Duke Brothers, Randolph & Mortimer. They really are chaps devoid of any moral fibre and I suppose end up being less annoying and more, downright evil. When they formulate their plan to ruin Louis' life they remark that they've “done it before” and even Coleman after hearing of the plan calls them Scumbags. They really are excellent baddies to rally against rather than being irked by the “annoying kid” I found myself aching for them to do more diabolical things so that when their inevitable Christmas downfall came it'd be all the more sweet. Top scumbags.

4/5

The Christmas Miracle

When we first meet Billy Ray, he is pretending to be a blind amputee war veteran. Here is a man who has been toughened up to life on the streets - when he's in the slammer we see how he's learnt to defend himself and distort the truth to earn the respect of those who threaten him. When he is being chased by the fuzz he is spry, fast and quick witted, keen to escape incarceration. The Christmas miracle, as far as I'm concerned, in Trading Places is how amazingly fast he adapts and embraces his new well-to-do life, it is lightning fast. In one scene he's dressed up impressing the patrons at the bar revelling in his newfound wealth and fortune but in the very next moment when they're having a crazy wild time at his house he is all of a sudden massively formal and incredibly agitated by everyone's disrespect, lack of coaster usage and excess of toplessness. That's not the Billy Ray he once was. He takes to his new position like a duck to water - a Christmas miracle for the ages.

4/5

The Christmas Message

Hmm.

Don't bet on people's lives and well-being? 

Buy lots of pork bellies?

Don't look a Christmas gift horse in the mouth?

DO look a Christmas gift horse in the mouth? 

Don't do drugs? 

If two crotchety old strangers offer to inexplicably change your life for the better, have a good think before you say yes? 

Next question please.

0/5

Additional Lines

The amazing lines - + 1

“When I was young if we wanted a jacuzzi we had to fart in the tub.”

“MONKEY! MONKEY! I'M A F**KING GORILLA YOU CLOWN!” 

“I'll rip out your eyes and piss on your brain.”

The guy in the lock up who just says “YEAH.” + 1

Dan Akroyd in black face. - 1

The fact that Paul Gleason, the chap who plays Clarence Beeks, is not only the principal in The Breakfast Club but also Deputy Police Chief Dwayne T. Robinson in Die Hard. And that he gets raped by a gorilla and doesn't die. + 2

Conclusion

How does John Landis' 1983 Christmas comedy caper measure up to the greatest Christmas film that there ever has been (The Polar Express)? It doesn't. 

It's good, don't get me wrong. I did quite a few LOLs and really enjoyed watching it, heck, I'll probably watch it again but it's just not Christmassy enough for me. DAMN HECK ASS NOWHERE NEAR CHRISTMASSY ENOUGH! Still. Good film though.

15/25

12 Days of Christmas: Day 2 - We're No Angels (1955)

Maybe in some circles I am yet to be invited to, Michael Curtiz’s We’re No Angels is already adored as the Christmas classic it clearly is. This French farce from the director of Casablanca was released the year after Curtiz’s other classic, White Christmas. Clearly in the mood for something a little more left-field after making that, We’re No Angels is a strange and slightly dark film that is the very opposite of white. Based on a play by Albert Husson, the film oozes that one set feel from the start, set over the course of one day with many instances of people overhearing conversations. Set in French Guiana, which borders Brazil, it is a hot film with scarce mention of Christmas after the Christmas Eve meal. Maybe that won’t matter but the Christmas scoreboard shall reveal all.

The Christmas Story

Three convicts have escaped from the notorious Devil’s Island (the very same penal colony is the focus of Papillon) and are plotting their escape. They plan to rob a tailor’s store so that they can go incognito and hopefully find their way onto an outbound ship. However, when casing the joint they overhear the family’s many woes: a man who is running a failing business that is about to be audited by his ass of a cousin, a girl who is in love with the young nephew of that ass of a cousin, and a “delicious fat lady” who refuses to settle her tab. Bogart’s character declares “they're prisoners too like us” and so it is decided that they shall not steal from the family and instead they shall help them out of their various woes. The three convicts are played beautifully by Humphrey Bogart, Peter Ustinov and Aldo Ray, each giving the pitch perfect portrayal of their respective stereotypes. Ustinov is however the standout. He is full of bizarre little asides and has his classical British accent donned in a prime piece of juxtaposition “no one has been nice to me since 1891”. You have to admit that 3 convicts embracing their talents in larceny for good is pretty joyful and triumphant. 

5/5

The Voice of Christmas

The daughter of the shopkeeper is undeniably the voice of Christmas here. She does however endlessly faint, but that doesn’t make her lessons erroneous. It is her who plants the idea in the convicts’ heads that they are flawed angels and probably stops them from robbing them. Furthermore, she is a strong independent woman and very quickly figures out that the boy she fancies was just a bit of a shit really. I’d struggle to think of many more lessons she teaches, We’re No Angles isn’t in the habit of shoving morals down our throats.

3/5

The Annoying Kid at Christmas

This film aims to create villains by simply making them really annoying, and the great news is all of them get their comeuppance in ways I shall not divulge here for fear of ruining how spectacularly silly it all is. In fact, my favourite scene revolves around the convicts slowly deciding whether or not to help out. The most annoying of all however, the aforementioned deliciously large lady, does not receive any harsh treatment. She is forced to pay her bill at the shop but apart from that she never gets a pie in her face or thrown in the ocean or something, oh well. 

3/5

The Christmas Miracle

Two murderers and a crook washing the dishes of a family they were about to rob only hours prior, doing the accounts, sweeping the floors, selling hairbrushes to a bald man and a small jacket to a fat one. Truly these are miracles that only the joys of Christmas could create. Jules even says “It’s a kind of miracle as if the whole thing were arranged” this might be the first film we’ve looked at that actually admits having a miracle right in its script. In the end, they decide to send themselves back to jail because it wasn’t all that bad after all. Not only do we have nice criminals, we have nice criminals who go back to prison of their own accord. So even if they do go to shank Steve McQueen “if things don’t work out right we’ll do it again next year”.

5/5

The Christmas Message

The film opens with the shopkeeper declaring “I have nothing to give except for love and that’s worth nothing” and the film really doesn’t do anything to address this. Maybe the message is that criminals are people too, with their own sad story explaining how they became the crooks they are. Jules’ wife cheated on him on Christmas day after all, who can blame him for horrifically murdering her………hmm. This film might be a little too sympathising now that I think about it. But they play it with a wink and a nod, always letting you know that none of this is direly sincere. In terms of an uplifting message let’s just say this, it didn’t make me feel rubbish. 

3/5

Additional Points

-It really doesn’t leave you with a Christmas tingle -3

-It’s a really great film though +2

-But that’s not what this list is about -2

-yeah but go on +2

-Okay, just -1

Conclusion

If my slight nervous breakdown at the end didn’t give you any clues, I do really love this film. It’s funny, daft, entertaining and just so well acted. For any of you who don’t have that sweet tooth for sugary sweet Christmas films but still want the fun, We’re No Angels should be your first port of call. A great addition to anyone’s new Christmas film roster. 

17/25  

12 Days of Christmas: Day 1 - Frozen

What better way to start this countdown to Christmas than with a film that is in almost no way a Christmas film. It has been posed to me on many occasions that Frozen could be considered a Christmas film, and yes before you ask, that is entirely a fabrication of the truth. One person said that to me once and I said “Probably not though.” and they agreed. However, there are things about Frozen that can feel full of the joys of Christmas but maybe the question that we should ask is Are Winter and Christmas intrinsically linked? The classic western ideal of Christmas is after all snow and reindeer and freezing temperatures. Well let’s break this modern phenomenon down and put it under our patent pending Christmas microscope and answer the all-important question: Is Frozen better than The Polar Express? 

The Christmas Story

Let's play ignorant for a while and act like not a single one of us is in any way aware of Frozen. Two sisters who also happen to be princesses are having a great time. One has magic ice powers and you can just imagine what hi-jinks they get up to. Of course magical powers just cause trouble and it's not long before she accidentally almost kills her sister by firing a big old block of ice into her face. Well because of all that drama, her parents put her in indefinite isolation meaning she can't see her sister anymore. It's a bummer for sure, Sam even wept uncontrollably at the opening of Frozen, that's how affecting this film is, or just how delicate Sam is, either way the whole town is really not in the best of ways. It all ends up with the magic one (Elsa) running away and turning the whole town into ice. In the end the sisters’ love of each other is what saves the town and ultimately, themselves. Now none of that is direly un-Christmassy; love and coming together are two strong themes of Christmas and there is something decidedly Nordic about all of the art direction that does just give you that warm Christmassy feeling. Overall I'd say its message of family sticking together is consistent with the likes of The Santa Clause, Die Hard and the classic It's a Wonderful Life. 

4/5           

The Voice of Christmas

What is better than having a dream and sticking to it no matter how out of reach it is? Olaf, the talking snowman, doesn't really think his dream of seeing summer through. And yet, isn't there something a bit Christmassy about ignoring the consequences and just going with it? We overeat knowing the pain it will cause, we overspend knowing that we will have no money for the rest of our lives and we even oversleep, leaving very little of Christmas day left. Olaf just doesn't care, he is happy and I'll be damned if he doesn't make me feel really Christmassy.

4/5 

The Annoying Kid at Christmas 

But Christmas is annoying. And I'll be damned if you don't also want to punch that snowman off a cliff. You can no longer mention Frozen without it carrying the weight of the zeitgeist it became. Every store in the known galaxy selling every known commodity with Frozen plastered all over it. Olaf is the pinnacle of this. A character that in the context of the film is full of warmth and wisdom but when cast out into the greater scope of the world is just purely annoying. But this category isn't about the most annoying character, it's about that obnoxious brat that gets their comeuppance right at the end as we all collectively stick out our tongues and laugh in their stupid little faces. Olaf doesn't get any comeuppance; he is still roving about this planet getting away with his multitude of sins.

0/5  

The Christmas Miracle

The miracle here is simply that Anna doesn't die. If it were Christmas and someone was about to die and then they didn't, there is no doubt that would be pretty miraculous but really there is no Deus Ex Machina here, it's just love. The power of love is Christmas at its best but really all that falls down when saving Anna makes it summertime again. Frozen seems to suggest that love actually causes the end of Christmas so right there that's an immediate fail. 

0/5   

The Christmas Message

I may be stretching here, but it's clear that the Christmas message in Frozen is that there is no place for romantic love at Christmas. When Anna rushes back to get a kiss from her Prince Charming it turns out he wants to kill her. Then when she thinks, right I'll kiss the other guy I like, that all falls down. No, it's not romantic love, it's family love! Good stuff Frozen.  

3/5

Additional Points

-On closer inspection it turns out that the entire film takes place in Summer -2

-Reindeer, Snowmen & Singing! +1

-It's objectively not better than The Polar Express -1

Conclusion

You know, Frozen is a real gem of a film. It burnt itself out hotter and faster than any film in recent memory and yet, in around two decades Frozen will come back into the public consciousness and we shall say "This isn't half bad". One thing is for sure though, this really, really isn't a Christmas film. It is however a stellar boxing day film or maybe even just a great winter film. It's nice having a film that can slot into a season without being rigidly attached to it.

 9/25

12 Days Of Christmas: The Return

Ah, Christmas. Truly it is the most wonderful time of the year. And what is better at Christmas time than those who you chose to surround yourself with. Films of course! They are responsible for many of our ideals about Christmas; how our food should look on the table, what character defining lessons we should learn before the season is up and even how we should treat crippled children. Frankly, without The Muppet Christmas Carol I would have no idea how to feel about crippled frogs and would most likely push them into ditches. Without Christmas I am almost certain I would be a terrible human being. 

Four years ago, Sam and I wrote the 25 Days of Christmas. Over the course of the month we reflected on our personal favourite Christmas films and the key elements that made them such flawless films to begin with. Christmas was invented so we could hibernate with bright lights and hot food all around us during the bleakest and coldest time of year. And with it seemingly colder than ever I was struck with the sudden inspiration that it has been far too long, and having put this relic of a blog on my Personal Statement it's probably wise that I pretend I still write on it. So join me in this collective lie and revel in our self-imposed hibernation as we look to a fresh new batch of Christmas films and consider their warming qualities. Bear in mind that last time round we covered 25 films so who knows to what dark dank depths we shall have to sink in order to find a beautiful set of 12 shimmering stars in the December sky. But we shall strive so you don't have to.  

This time around I have rallied the troops and gathered some wonderful folks to help us all feel that bit more full of the Christmas spirit. Of course our five classic categories return: The Christmas Story, The Voice Of Christmas, The Annoying Kid At Christmas, The Christmas Miracle and of course The Christmas Message. By the time Christmas 2015 rolls around we shall know once and for all if It's A Wonderful Life is still truly the greatest Christmas Film of all time (It is).  

Look out for the first film on Monday 14th December. So come in, and know us better man.

What We Watched 8th - 15th July 2014

It's been one of those sunny, hot and busy weeks that often lead me to sitting at my computer thinking "Well I should probably write something". Or maybe I just read some journalism for the first time in a good few months and felt like it was something I'd like to do again. What We Watched was always my favourite thing to write. It was like a diary based around culture which to be honest is the only thing I find worth documenting. I did keep a diary for a while, but when I read it back it became apparent the only things I wrote were "Ate some delicious food" and "The film was brilliant" and variations there of. I'm gonna throw in some music and other forms of cultural art pursuits cause hell, films are only 25% of living a good art filled existence.

Picture

My favourite tree is the silver birch. It's a strange statement I admit. I honestly never thought I'd be the type of person to have a favourite tree but hey, it's happened I'm that guy who says things like "My favourite tree". Anyway this wonderful painter called  Julia Wardingley has an entire collection of Silver Birch oil paintings. Maybe I'm a sucker for that bumpy texture you get from oil paintings but just looking at a forest of silver birch trees makes me happy. Promise I won't talk about trees now (trees are so awesome).

Films

The Grand Budapest Hotel

****

When I missed Wes Anderson's new film at the cinema I realised that Orange Wednesdays is still a thing and is apprently incredibly popular. I can't say I was more annoyed that I didn't think it'd be busy or that I didn't even have a code to get the cheaper tickets. Anyway, about six months later and I've finally seen it. Clearly it's a wonderful film. It's a lot like Fantastic Mr. Fox in terms of pacing and a lot like Steve Zissou in terms of tone. The one thing I would say is that it's in no way surprising. It's that same warm comforting Wes Anderson glow most of us love. For better or for worse, it didn't really feel anything but superficially different to the rest of his catalogue. 

Quadrilogy of Documentaries

For some reason documentaries have become something I binge watch. I always watch one and immediately watch at least two more. Yesterday I decided I could think of nothing more enjoyable than staying in bed and watching documentaries about lawsuits, women in media, climate change and  Evangelical Christians indoctrinating kids into the fray...as you do. However I always rate documentaries as films. By which I mean how entertaining and artistic they are as a film rather than just was it an interesting topic. Just pointing a camera at some people and asking some questions for 90 minutes to me does not justify a feature film, you've got to justify the art form you've chosen. Essentially I'd give it 1 or 2 if it was just terrible or with a glimmer of promise, 3 if it was interesting but didn't justify its existence as a film. Chasing Ice has a fascinating topic and the work it puts forward is interesting but the film itself only shows that work. The research is 5 stars clearly, but showing 5 star research doesn't lead to a 5 star film. Finally, 4 or 5 if it's reached that wonderful level of art and fact. Restrepo is a good example. Film is that only way to appreciate the story it tells. 

Hot Coffee - **** Jesus Camp - **** Miss Representation - *** Chasing Ice - ***

Dragonslayer
*****

Writing all that has reminded me of a documentary that I watched a few weeks ago. Dragonslayer is about a 20 something guy who has recently become a Dad and is a skater who decides that skating is all he wants from life. It's hard to explain why I adored this film so much but it is a rare perfect film to me. I know a few people who skate, but not so intimately that I have ever sat in a skate park and forced them to accept me as a groupie. It's a world that has always deeply fascinated me. I have no interest in it as a professional sport (Not that I don't respect it, I just have little interest in any sport) but as a culture it is the most exceptional thing I can think of. Maybe if I myself skated the magic would vanish but as an external observer it is a mythical and exciting world. I just realised I'm rambling. Maybe because I don't understand my infatuation with this culture. Dragonslayer is just awesome. P.S. Filming skaters is the most fun you can have if you've never tried it. 

Carrie (2013)

**

First, I don't like Brain De Palma's Carrie anymore or less than this film. To me, Carrie can only ever be what it is. A short horror novella that turns highschool into mysticism and hyperbole. I just don't think there's much to it as a story. The final scenes after Carrie has been humiliated don't feel cathartic. I want her to kill all those that have wronged her and feel catharsis myself. Transpose all the faces of my childhood bullies onto the enemies of Carrie and laugh at her vengeance. If you'll allow me to go off on a tangent, I think it would be hard to turn a book I don't think much of into a film I think highly of. The only time it's happened to me was with The Hunger Games. I really did not enjoy the book but I think the film is well worthwhile. Writing is very important to me in a book, I can't read a book that has a great story but is terribly written. The Hunger Games has a great world and plot but the writing was so dire I just didn't care. I won't say Carrie is terribly written (mainly because I read it when I was 12) but if the plot doesn't engage me, how can the film engage me?

Songs

I probably spend 50% of my waking hours listening to music however I don't have much skill in writing about it or at least I don't feel my words will help illuminate the good things I see in the music I love. The one thing I can do however is link you to three songs and let you hear the things I enjoyed hearing. If you want to hear me say "Sick Beats" or "Those lyrics made me sad :(" feel free to imagine me saying that as you listen! Also, I can't rate music out of five. It's too short a medium to judge in such strict constraints. 

Ain't Them Bodies Saints

Films are a time commitment. I mean think about it. After who the actors are and what is it about, often the most important piece of information for the average viewer is how long is this thing? *that's what she said* Is it worth my time? Will I love every minute? This may seem like an odd introduction for a film that's about 90 minutes, as short as they really come, but Ain't Them Bodies Saints is all about patience. Not that it's a slow or inactive film but it takes it's time to build a rich and exciting world, and once it's done, Ain't Them Bodies blows you away.

So Ain't Them Bodies begins with a Bonnie & Clyde style couple, but rather than this being the tale of their rise and fall, we start with the fall and things keep falling from there. After they surrender from a shoot out with a fallen comrade on their side and a injured police man on the other, we skip ahead five years. Ruth is living with her soon-to-be five year old daughter and Bob is in jail, plotting his escape. This tragic romance has echoes of a thousand doomed love affairs that have preceded it and yet feels uniquely singular and important. Somehow David Lowery has managed to carve himself and new unseen corner in a brutally over-saturated genre.

It's actually incredible how this relationship manages to so strongly grab your empathy considering that the two in the relationship so rarely share any screen time. As Bob fights his way back to Ruth, she hears the news of his movements and struggles to decide if the love she has for Bob is more important than her daughter. I can't speak too much on the events that surround this but there is a powerful moment when we hear through the form of a letter she has written to Bob why she has chosen to do what she does. It's powerful stuff like this that makes their relationship seem so important and devoid of thoughtless romanticism. Rooney Mara's performance is subtle and conveys a beautiful subtext with every movement. Casey Affleck is less immediately astounding be this may be due to a general lack on depth in his character that is intrinsically part of his character. making it as clever and considered as every single role in Ain't Them Bodies, each character adding more to the deceptively complex tapestry this film weaves. No actor steals screen time, each seems to be supportive of the other, like they are helping them through a bought of grief. Ben Foster who plays the policeman who was shot and later takes the case to track down Bob (incredibly not for revenge, another refreshing twist Ain't Them Bodies wields) is steady. For a while I was uncertain of him, feeling a heavy pang of jealousy on Bob's behalf. But then he changes gradually into someone you simply can't ignore. 

Visually the film owes a ridiculous debt to the work of Terrence Malick. The film is in some ways a mash-up of Malick's Badlands and Days of Heaven. That could be seen a bad thing, lazy, but Ain't Them Bodies Saints isn't stealing for stealing's sake (that's even if you think it really is). It earns it for itself. This film starts by feeling unoriginal but after a short stay proves it's worth ten times over. It's about time more people started aping Malick's spectacular style anyway, I'm bored of all this Kubrick and Hitchcock copycatting. None of that means anything though when you hear Daniel Hart's score. This is stellar stuff. The kind of music that perfectly evokes everything the film is trying to convey. It compliments every scene perfectly, subtle, harrowing and remarkable all at once.  

Perfection is ridiculous, you literally can't have it. You can feel it though. You can notice imperfections and let them be, or explain them away. The career of Kanye West ain't perfect but I can argue with you that it is for as long as you stay awake. As I said at the start, films are a time commitment. Some are 100% non-stop like, never boring, never amazing and others take their time, build up slowly but end in true love. Ain't Them Bodies Saints certainly takes its time and you might not be immediately engaged but I implore you to go seek it out. Sometimes it's better to take your time to achieve something all the more special and important. 

I feel like I should feel bad that this will be the third 5/5 review, but why should I feel bad WHEN I'VE SEEN THREE FIVE OUT OF FIVE FILMS IN A ROW! Everything's coming up Joe.

From Up On Poppy Hill

To my mind at least, there are two distinct types of Studio Ghibli film. Fantasy and realist. These will often intermingle, films like Kiki's delivery service are essentially about normal things with one strange additional element. But then you get the films that are full on fantasy epics like Princess Mononoke or completely stripped back Ozu-esque family dramas, like my personal favourite, Whisper of the Heart. Both styles have their places and we'll all have different opinions on the best Ghibli films. As this is my review however I should tell you now, I bloody love the realist camp, which Poppy Hill finds itself firmly settled in.  

In From Up On Poppy Hill, a young girl in a beautiful but vertigo inducing seaside town in Japan, hoists signal flags, it would appear, to the passing ships. When a boy at the school posts an anonymous poem in the school magazine about her flag raising habit she immediately suspects one boy in particular. Editor of the school paper and lead campaigner to save the Latin quarter, a club house for all the extracurricular activities that take place, that is to be demolished. The rest of the film follows these two as they campaign and develop a relationship with plenty of melodramatic turns.  

The film is set the year before the 1964 Olympic Games in Tokyo, and much of the film seems to be a commentary on Japan's attitude of erasing their past in favour of the future. The film has great standing in history and an awareness of reality that makes the events seem so much more important and valid. The plot is constantly engaging and reveals itself steadily never relying on twists or one strong element. It keeps adding and keeps moving not lingering on any moment for too long or too short a time.  

Most of the humour comes from the students of the Latin quarter as they all represent different academic groups in hilarious fashion. Over zealous philosophy major all on his own, the astronomy club who after years of extensive research have learnt nothing new, the journalists who are effortlessly cool and smooth with the ladies......................  

The relationship between the two leads is pretty much the sweetest thing I've ever seen. The film is relentlessly beautiful, and so is its soundtrack. Honestly I don't want to say much more because I just loved it. It plays out so perfectly that it seems almost effortless. Ghibli have this all down to a fine art now. They have no superiority complex, and they don't think their films need more explaining then they do for themselves. While Pixar get complacent and cocky and Dreamworks only live to grovel at our feet and shout the loudest, Ghibli are in the corner of the classroom quietly working away at a stack of Lego, creating something beautiful. 

Only God Forgives

Sometimes a director will take time perfect their craft before finally releasing the film that puts them on our radar. Sometimes that film never comes.  Sometimes it comes too soon and then they don't know what to do with themselves. Or more tragically it comes too late. Nicholas Winding Refn's key moment is almost undeniably Drive. Before Drive he possessed a spotty, confused selection of bizarre and violent films that it could be said are predominantly bunk with some brilliant moments of pure inspiration. I'm sure anyone with terrific foresight could see he had potential for something quite spectacular, and certainly with hindsight we can all appreciate his flawed experiments. I mean, flawed innovation is always better a reliable dullard we all saw coming, right?

So I guess that's why Only God Forgives is such a bizarre film. With Refn seemingly perfecting a long experimented design, it would seem he isn't happy, and much preferred the world of trying new ideas. That's not to say that Only God Forgives is wholly original. It's story and most of its characters are brutally familiar and in no way surprising. In fact 50% of the film plays out like a traditional tale of crime-family revenge and its, frankly, really boring. This 50% felt so familiar I wondered if it was supposed to be a remake of a film I had seen and since forgotten.

But then there is another half of Only God Forgives that plays out like a dream sequence from any number of David Lynch films, fully kitted out with karaoke sessions and gaudy night clubs. In one sequence an uninspired and rote Ryan Gosling (who's clearly been given so little room to manoeuvre that he can hardly do anything to interest) is tied to a chair by a prostitute (who, in yet another uninspired turn, is being groomed to leave the sex trade). As she sits on the bed across from Gosling pleasuring herself, Ryan begins to see flashes of a man in a hallway, a short blade rising up and crashing down and strangely lit red halls. These moments in Only God Forgives are fascinating and a pleasure to behold. A room full of still policemen watching a man with an angelic voice sing some bizarre Asian karaoke is an image I won't soon forget.

Of course this may sound like style over substance but who's to say there can't be substance in style. Many of these sequences are scored subtly with an intriguing if less immediately loveable style than Drive's iconic soundtrack. The antagonist is by far the most engaging character. Whilst he is just as quiet and stoic as Ryan Gosling he seems more in control with slightly more engaging story. In fact he possessed the only moments of mental stimulation as I tried to figure out how his character had come to be the way he was.  Kirstin Scott Thomas seems to be getting the most universal praise, in a film that can hardly be called universal. Her character offers stilted insight into Goslings character but she plays out like the comedic relief in a Shakespeare play. Popping up in an otherwise tragic story to let the audience breathe a little. It was these moments of familiarity however that bred much of my boredom. Much like the story, Thomas was another thing we've all seen before.

Is it rude of me to say that the feeling I get from this is film is that of a director who was a massive geek until about ten years ago. And since then just wants desperately to be cool. It's taken me a long long time to figure out what it is that's bothering me about this film but that might be it. A film who's only desire is to be cool, can't ever really be cool right? Drive was skilful. Beautiful and brutish. This is, just brutish. A ham fisted attempt to be cool when Refn really doesn't need to try this hard. It's hard to define but what Only God Forgives does is imitate artistic design, rather than create. This isn't a new thing but it is strange the art Refn is imitating, is his own.

Frances Ha

I love Frances Ha.

I think rule one of reviewing is to not reveal your opinion so blatantly but fuck it. This is my blog and I can use it to say what I want. Today that thing is Frances Ha is awesome and we should all go see it. Right now, in one big happy group.

Frances has a best friend Sophie. Sophie is pretty neat, seems to have her life sorted whilst Frances is still stuck in that student head space. Bad with money and bad with work. The film is all about Frances during a turbulent point in her life as she loses touch with Sophie and is forced into staying as she is or growing up.

For a short time Frances Ha seems simple. Far too simple. I sat wondering what it was it was trying to tell me. But then suddenly you are completely absorbed. Greta Gerwig plays Frances so stripped back and the film in general is so naturalistic it's hard not to feel voyeuristic as you watch the day to day events unfold. It's a constantly moving plot though. Important things are always happening and though it seems to have a considered, slow pace like any other Noah Baumbach film, it's relentless. The film just goes along in its own world and you feel blessed to be in on the ride.

Visually it's stunning. Every frame speaks volumes to what is going on and it certainly justifies its black and white colour palette. It's utterly hilarious as well. The kind of belly laughs that it offers you don't really expect from this kind of indie comedy. Relatable is for some reason a word I detest and yet I struggle to think of another word to describe this film. This is your life. And if it isn't its the person sitting next to you's life.

The one problem I have is that I loved it. And it's hard to see how others couldn't. Know what you are getting into. A cool, indie, American comedy aimed specifically at layabout post teens. If you hate that then no, this ain't your thing. If you don't know if you hate that then dude, give it a crack! And if you love that then you've already seen this film and you know that its radical.

Cause it is the shit.