Howdy Y'all, Sam here, time for me to weigh in on this 25 Days of Christmas malarkey. So let me begin with the best Christmas film ever that isn't really that Christmassy but at the same time is really really Christmassy. The tale of One New York Cop versus a whole crap ton of evil European terrorists.
DIE HARD.
The Christmas Story
John McClane, a no-nonsense vest wearing New York Cop flies out to Los Angeles on Christmas Eve in a bid to win back his estranged high flying curly haired wife, Holly Gennaro. However when McClane arrives the spit hits the fan, and not in traditional Christmas fashion. Hans Gruber and his team of eastern European terrorists arrive at Nakatomi Plaza and proceed to flip spit up, however they don’t plan for McClane and McClane ain’t the kinda guy to roll over and take it, McClane is the kinda guy who will roll back over on top of you then push you down a stairwell and break your neck. McClane is the fly in the ointment. What we then witness is the ultimate Christmas action movie. Nay, the ultimate action movie, that just happens to take place at that most wonderful time of the year.
(3/5)
The Voice of Christmas
Sgt. Al Powell. There isn’t a great deal of vocal Christmas cheer in Die Hard there is more of a focus on pithy dialogue, diabolical accents, cliché cop lines, yelling and creative cursing. However, in my eyes the voice of Sgt. Al Powell is Die Hard’s Voice of Christmas. He helps out a man he has never seen, provides him with information, help, support and life stories, he’s always there to prove people right, to show up the other foolish cops, he looks out for his fellow man and at the end he triumphs over a personal adversity in order to save the day. Also, listen to his voice, it’s silky, it’s hard, I’s smooth, he has a moustache and loves twinkies, he is in many respects like Father Christmas only in a police uniform and a police radio. Much like Jimmy Stewart in It’s a Wonderful Life by the end we realise that if it weren’t for Al Christmas, and life in general, would not be the same.
That or Argyle’s Christmas Rap music, get’s me right in the mood.
(4/5)
The Annoying Li’l Girl (at Christmas)
There ain’t really that many annoying little girls in Die Hard, sure Lucy McClane has a high pitched childish whine when she fleetingly appears but that’s not really anything to get riled up about. Ellis however, my god Ellis is reason to get riled. There is not a sane person in this world who didn’t emit a slight whoop when Ellis gets popped by those suave terrorists. Ellis showcases all the classic annoying li’l girl (at Christmas) traits, silly laugh, know-it-all, being a pest, ruining everyone’s Christmas cheer and snorting nostril-loads of coke…well, maybe not all the classic traits. Although special mention has to go to the receptionist at the beginning who makes McClane go through the emotional trauma of using that awesome late 80’s bit of touch-screen tech to find out that his wife has abandoned his name in favour of, the frankly silly (and late 80’s tech-savvy name), Gennaro, Only for him then to tell McClane that there’s a “Party on the 30th floor, they’re the only ones left in the building.” Why he didn’t tell him that from the get-go is beyond me, ergo classic dick at Christmas move.
That being said Deputy Chief of Police Dwayne T Robinson is such a massive gonk.
(3.5/5 – loses a point for not being a girl and another .5 for actually being quite a funny guy)
The Christmas Miracle
I don’t want to be a kill-joy. I love action films, the more ridiculous, explosion based and over the top the better. I actually think that Die Hard is a perfect film, 10 out of 10 stuff. However, the Christmas Miracle in Die Hard has to be McClane’s epic triumph over insurmountable odds. He really should be dead, his feet should be so cut to shreds that he can never walk again, he should be so shot up that his body is 70% metal, his torso should be ripped in half when he leaps off the top of the building with naught but a fire hose to support him, his hair would’ve at least been a tad singed by that C4 in the elevator shaft and he can do well better than Holly Gennaro. However, he survives, and not only does he survive he does so in epic bad ass style, he takes loads of terrorists out and walks away from it all at the end with Love of Life. And all on Christmas Eve, in a vest, with no shoes. If that isn’t a miracle I’m not sure I know what is. McClane truly is a Christmas Miracle.
(4/5)
The Christmas Message
Die Hard gives us many valuable Christmas messages such as Don’t trust Alan Rickman near Christmas, Always invite Bad Ass Vest Wearing policemen to your Christmas Parties, Don’t send Harry Ellis in to any kind of negotiation situation and the classic The only excuse a man has to cry is when he thinks that his wife has been killed by eastern European terrorists and he is pulling bits of broken glass out of his bare feet. But there is a purer and much more delightful Christmas message at hand in Die Hard a simple one of selflessness during the festive period, sure McClane’s actions inadvertently get him what he wants (Gennaro) but he acts purely selflessly thinking only of the protection of others and ensuring that eventually, after wasting a load of well dressed terrorists, everyone has a very merry Christmas. Christmas isn’t a selfish endeavour or practise, it’s for everyone. So, this Christmas, be like John McClane, think of others and do whatever you can to ensure a delightful Christmas is had by all…even if that means pushing Alan Rickman out of a high rise office block.
(4/5)
Additional Notes.
THE AMAZING LINES (+2.5)
“Nine Million terrorists in the world and I have to kill the one with feet smaller than my sister.”
“Sir, this is a reserved line for emergencies only.” “No Shit! Do I sound like I’m ordering a pizza!?”
“Mr Takagi will not be joining us… for the rest of his life.”
“Come out to the coast, get together, we’ll have a few laughs…”
“Now I know what a TV dinner feels like.”
“Who’s driving this car? Stevie Wonder?”
“I’m at Nakatomi Plaza and they’re turning my car into swiss cheese!”
“Welcome to the party pal!”
“Yippee-ki-yay, motherfucker.”
“Oh my God the quarter back is toast!”
“Asshole? I’m not the one who just got buttfucked on national TV, Dwayne.”
“Asian Dawn?!” “I read about them in TIME magazine.”
“SchieB auf das Fenster… Shoot the glass!”
“Happy Trails Hans”
THE AWESOME ACCENTS (+ 0.5)
When Hans says “Inevitably”
The vague glimpses of Germanic phrases like “nein”, “schnell”, “ach, mein” “schiesse” etc
Han’s and his gang’s faux American accents
THE OBLIVIOUS ARGYLE (+0.5)
He chills like a G6 in that limo with Mr.Bear entirely unaware of what’s happening up until Thornburg directly tells him about it on live TV.
THE SWAT GUY THAT GET’S PRICKED BY A ROSE (+0.25)
Big assault, they’re all in black, they have guns, they’re “macho assholes”, yet when face by the prickles on a rose they still go “Ow” makes you think, it really does.
THE JAPANSE GUY WITH EPIC MOUSTACHE MUNCHING ON A CRUNCH BAR (+0.25)
Who cares if the swat guys are baying at your door, there is always time for a delicious Crunch bar.
WHEN HOLLY PUNCHES THORNBURG DIRECTLY IN THE FACE. (+ crap loads)
JOHN MCCLANE SCREAMING “
VIEW PAINED, BLEEDING AND TOPLESS. (+ infinity)
Overall Festivity Rating – 23/25
SO
Tomorrow Love Actually Cause Liam Neeson is the Best Parent in the World
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