In 1988, Richard Donner, the guy who directed The Omen, Superman’s 1 and 2, The Goonies and all the Lethal Weapon films, decided that a classic Dickensian tale would benefit from a little bit of modernising and a whole lot of Bill Murray. We’re all aware of the story of Dickens’ The Christmas Carol, yeah? Crotchety fellow can’t see the true meaning of Christmas, and luckily one random Christmas his old boss enlists the help of some ghosts and Bob’s your uncle, his entire life style, ethos and way of doing things is altered. All done by the miracle of Christmas, and ghosts. Are you sitting comfortably? Then we’ll begin.
SCROOGED.
The Christmas Story
Bill Murray is Frank Cross, a crotchety young president of television network IBC, he knows what he wants and he isn’t afraid to flick ears to get it. He hates kid’s cute poorly rendered Christmas pictures, he doesn’t let his assistant go home early to take her poor mute son to the doctors, he tricks a lovely old lady out of her taxi cab, he fires an employee on Christmas Eve, he’s almost comically scrooge-like it seems like he’s always only 2 steps away from shot putting a carolling child into a friendly salvation army Santa. But then in truly explosive style he starts getting visited by three festive ghosts eager to teach him the errors of his scroogey ways. Slowly but surely he learns that immortal lesson that Christmas isn’t about selfish greed and being a gonk but about being kind to others, helpful, friendly, nice, pleasant and other positive superlatives. A most traditional festive tale. 4/5
The Voice of Christmas
There are quite a few contenders for Voice of Christmas in Scrooged nearly every person we meet has at least one line or action that is the very personification of the holiday season. IBC’s promo slogan for their slew of Christmas shows is “Yule Love It” heck even that could be the voice of Christmas. Here are the three contenders.
- Frank Cross in the last 10 minutes of the film – He learns his lesson! He is a changed man! He helps a kid speak! He gets everyone good champagne! He’s a nice guy! The ghosts did their work! He gets Karen Allen back! Frank’s transformation and subsequent closing monologue absolutely drips with Christmas platitudes, he extols in his viewers all the many lessons of Christmas. Most poignant of which is “At Christmas we are the people we always hoped we’d be.” Buuuut a bit of about-face at the end does not a voice of Christmas make.
- Eliot Loudermilk – when he’s getting fired and turfed out of IBC he still wishes the security guards a merry Christmas, he never forgets the true festive holiday cheer. Buuuut then he spends the rest of the film drunk, disheveled and brandishing a shotgun. This may be some people’s vision of true festivity but alas, not mine…
- Preston Rhinelander – Preston doesn’t really say anything Christmassy (he does spearhead the superb ‘advertise and appeal to cats’ idea) but he’s played by Robert Mitchum, and Robert Mitchum has an amazing voice. It’s so silky and smooth and calming and lovely. Buuuut whilst he is undoubtedly the movie’s voice he doesn’t really cover the of Christmas part. 2/5
The Annoying Li’l Girl (At Christmas)
I suppose The Ghost of Christmas Present would be the person best suited to this dubious accolade, she’s a high pitched, self righteous, full-of-beans Christmas fairy. But I cannot help but feel some fondness towards her, her Christmas enthusiasm is infectious and such a pleasure to behold plus all the inventive and hilarious ways in which she socks it to old Frank, brilliant. No, I think this accolade controversially belongs to our star, Frank Cross, I fully understand that he’s supposed to be an unlikable fellow, the sort of guy who would leave Karen Allen for a giant dog called Frisbee, the sort of guy who would shout at a lot of friendly volunteers without good reason, but I really cannot help finding him really very annoying, yes he may have daddy issues and yadda yadda yadda but even after the ghost of Christmas past’s visit he still shows little remorse for his callous actions and persists to be a bit of a gonk. Less annoying, more aggravatingly heartless. Still… 3/5.
The Christmas Miracle
Frank Cross’ assistant Grace has a little boy, a little mute boy rendered thus when he witnessed the murder of his father. He baffles and confounds all doctors who try and cure him of his ails to no effect. Suddenly when witnessing Frank’s Christmas joy and change of heart, he can suddenly talk, he is totally not mute and all entirely because of Murray’s miraculous Christmas revelation. If Murray had continued to be a crochety ol’ blighter Grace’s wee kid would be confined to a distressing future in an insane asylum spending Christmas scared and alone. BUT NO because Bill Murray realises the true joy of Christmas and makes an impassioned Christmas speech, he friggin’ cures this kid of his muteness. That is mad miraculous, like crazy crazy miraculous. It’s not a phoney internal metaphysical change, he heals a kid. Epic miracle.
Plus for a film that liberally uses the S word, the B word and the other B word, shows some top nipple action, some very scantily clad dancers, some quite graphic little demon monsters, a dead hobo and Bill Murray being burned alive in a coffin it is quite miraculous that it scampered away with a PG certificate… 4/5
The Christmas Message
You know the phrase “Don’t be such a scrooge” and how people say things like “he’s such a scrooge” and “man he totally scrooged up my Christmas hoe down”? Well, that phrase is due to the main character in the book this film is based on and the name Scrooge has itself become as synonymous with Christmas as mistletoe, Santa and turkey. So what is the Christmas message of Scrooged? Simple, don’t be a damn scrooge at Christmas, be nice. Also, don’t commission a Christmas action film starring Lee Majors called The Night the Reindeer Died even though it’d be awesome. 4/5
Additional Notes
The Night the Reindeer Died looks like it could equal Die Hard for Christmas action movie excellence. (+1)
Censor lady getting hit directly in the head by a lamppost. Bill Murray slipping over as he leaves the restaurant. Bill walking into his front door in the past. Some top class slapstick. (+1)
I love Karen Allen and Robert Mitchum (+1)
Bill Murray’s epic curly 1968 mullet hair. (+1)
OVERALL FESTIVITY RATING 21/25.
Tomorrow it's time for Black Christmas coz nothing says Christmas like a sorority house being terrorised by a stranger who makes frightening phone calls and then (spoiler alert) murders the sorority sisters during Christmas break.
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