We've all been there, it's Christmas Eve, your getting a bit stressed out, you realise that you haven't got that present someone specifically requested, you are getting accosted by an angry reindeer, your next door neighbour is eating cookies and making suggestive comments about your showering wife and you are the governor of California. We've all been there, so thank the good gods of Christmas that director Brian Levant put these oh-so-common experiences into one fun filled 86 minute Christmas film extravaganza.That's right,
It's Jingle all the way
.
It's Jingle all the way
.
The Christmas Story
Y’know the guy who was The Terminator, and who kicked Predator’s ass in Predator, and who was an amazing barbarian in Conan the Barbarian, and started his career as an impossibly buff body builder in a documentary about men who were impossibly buff, Pumping Iron, Imagine if he worked in a mattress factory and had a normal family and an annoying neighbour and that suddenly his monotone Austrian line delivery stopped being cool and menacing and started being…hilarious. Howard Langston is a bit of a pants dad and no amount of traffic violations and bad karate impressions can improve him in the eyes of his son, oh yeah, apart from getting him a Turbo Man the must-have Christmas toy. But he must face down a whole host of challenges to acquire the elusive Turbo Man including a stressed-out mailman, a sleazy santa impersonator, an amorous cookie-loving neighbour, a vengeful police officer and an angry angry reindeer. In terms of relatable story it scores low, but in terms of fun, dumb Christmas-ness. It’s a winner. However, when you think about it it’s quite un-Christmassy, there is vaguely any mention of Santa Claus and the real magic of Christmas, the focus is way more on the commercial aspects of the holiday season and I personally feel… wait, who cares. It’s The Terminator in a Christmas film. Epic Christmas Silliness. 3/5
The Voice of Christmas
Sinbad is the cynical voice of Christmas. He spends the entire film beefing and complaining about how much Christmas sucks, how it sucks being a postman at Christmas, how it sucks not getting a Johnny 7 OMA gun, how it sucks getting your super ball taken away from you, and all this negative sucky energy eventually leads to him turning to a life/couple of float based seconds of evil in the form of Turbo Man’s nemesis: Dementor. But that ain’t what I want from a voice of Christmas. I want cookies, I want a man who gets a deer, I want a man who provides Hot Chocolate for the whole neighbourhood and I want a man who attempts to put the moves on a married woman with only his charm and some non-alcoholic egg nog. Jingle all the way has such a man, the impeccably excellent Ted. Yes, he’s a bit of a do-gooder and ultimately his niceties were just a ploy to score with Howard’s wife but he truly knows the joy of Christmas, good food, good tree etiquette and timely present buying. Plus, he’s helpful, kind, supportive and dammit, he is a damn good father to that fat kid. 4/5
The Annoying Li’l Girl (At Christmas)
I would say Ted, but I really like Ted. So I guess I’d have to go for the one character in the whole film that no one seems to like, the guy everyone seems to have a problem with and quite frankly I don’t know why. He’s big, pink, friendly and helpful, plus at the parade the guy in the suit is the guy who was Booger in Revenge of the Nerds. That’s right, Turbo Man’s faithful sabre tooth tiger pal Booster. The poor fella has a really tough time of it, people are always talking about how nobody wants him, how nobody likes him and when toy store workers offer a Booster toy as consolation for lack of Turbo Men, they openly laugh about it. Like because they have no $100 dollar bills left in stock they are instead offering your 20p in Woolworths coupons. It all comes to a painful and violent head at the parade when Sinbad punches poor Booster off of the Turbo Man float and a load of kids deck him in whilst shouting “We Hate You Booster” Poor guy, it seems like the film has branded him The Annoying Character but I don’t see it. It seems unfair. That being said, Jamie is very annoying, and he’s a kid. So, I guess they did have that base somewhat covered. 3/5
I would say Ted, but I really like Ted. So I guess I’d have to go for the one character in the whole film that no one seems to like, the guy everyone seems to have a problem with and quite frankly I don’t know why. He’s big, pink, friendly and helpful, plus at the parade the guy in the suit is the guy who was Booger in Revenge of the Nerds. That’s right, Turbo Man’s faithful sabre tooth tiger pal Booster. The poor fella has a really tough time of it, people are always talking about how nobody wants him, how nobody likes him and when toy store workers offer a Booster toy as consolation for lack of Turbo Men, they openly laugh about it. Like because they have no $100 dollar bills left in stock they are instead offering your 20p in Woolworths coupons. It all comes to a painful and violent head at the parade when Sinbad punches poor Booster off of the Turbo Man float and a load of kids deck him in whilst shouting “We Hate You Booster” Poor guy, it seems like the film has branded him The Annoying Character but I don’t see it. It seems unfair. That being said, Jamie is very annoying, and he’s a kid. So, I guess they did have that base somewhat covered. 3/5
The Christmas Miracle
It is an actual 100% bona-fide Christmas Miracle that no one dies at the parade. Especially Sinbad, Sinbad falls off the top of a building and lands on a float, and so miraculous is his fall (or how padded is his Dementor suit) that he lands and is barely winded, he continues his dialogue effortlessly. He doesn’t even do an “Oww” face, that, truly is a Christmas miracle. It’s also pretty darn miraculous that Howard, after only about 2 minutes of getting used to Turbo Man’s jet pack has the precise speed, skill and prowess to fly and perform the, actually quite difficult, Superman Save on his son. Amazing. Plus, I personally find it absolutely amazingly miraculous that Liz Langston is able to resist the advances of Ted Maltin. 3.5/5
It is an actual 100% bona-fide Christmas Miracle that no one dies at the parade. Especially Sinbad, Sinbad falls off the top of a building and lands on a float, and so miraculous is his fall (or how padded is his Dementor suit) that he lands and is barely winded, he continues his dialogue effortlessly. He doesn’t even do an “Oww” face, that, truly is a Christmas miracle. It’s also pretty darn miraculous that Howard, after only about 2 minutes of getting used to Turbo Man’s jet pack has the precise speed, skill and prowess to fly and perform the, actually quite difficult, Superman Save on his son. Amazing. Plus, I personally find it absolutely amazingly miraculous that Liz Langston is able to resist the advances of Ted Maltin. 3.5/5
The Christmas Message
There are many messages and lessons in Jingle all the way, much like Die Hard it teaches us many things. The benefit of always being prepared and planning ahead, especially when it comes to Christmas presents. The pro’s of putting you and yours ahead of yourself not only at Christmas but all the time. The invaluable advice of don’t trust Sinbad. The somewhat more subtle message of don’t get all bogged down in the commercialism of Christmas. The whole Don’t pretend a letter bomb is a letter bomb unless you are 100% sure it is a letter bomb, and even then, best to avoid having a letter bomb lesson, the sound advice of do not trust a slightly seedy department store Santa and his questionable looking Elf when they tell you they can totally get you what you want and then make you drive waaay out of town to an ol’ abandoned warehouse. Definitely don’t do that on Christmas Eve & the ultimately invaluable advice of If you are trying to steal presents from your neighbours do best to check that they have an angry reindeer before embarking on your sleuthing AND don’t set fire to the head of one of the wise men and then boot it through the window at a load of carollers. But if you do find yourself in such a bind, simply punch a reindeer directly in its face. But the somewhat more Christmassy message at work in Jingle all the way is a simple one of keeping all abstract promises you make to kids, especially at Christmas and especially to kids. It’s like Turbo Man says “Always keep your promises if you want to keep your friends.” 3/5
Additional Note
-Phil Hartman, the guy who plays the amazing Ted Maltin does the voice of Troy McClure & Lionel Hutz in The Simpsons. (+1)
-The ironic use of “It’s the most wonderful time of the year” when everything goes crazy at the toy store. (+1)
-EVERYTHING that Arnie says. (+1)
-“In the North Pole them are fighting words.” / The entire Santa Claus warehouse brawl. / “I’m gonna deck your halls, bub.” (+1)
-It’s one of those DVDs that lists “Interactive Menus” and “Scene Access” as Special Features. (+0.5)
-The whole lack of genuine Santa based Christmas magic is a bittuva bummer. (-1)
-Jungle all the way (PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE SEE LINK BELOW!) wouldn't exist without Jingle all the way. (+1)
OVERALL FESTIVITY RATING – 21/25
Tomorrow Gremlins Cause We All Have Microwaves We'd Just Love To Kill With
Tomorrow Gremlins Cause We All Have Microwaves We'd Just Love To Kill With
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