Black Christmas is by many considered the first slasher movie. By that I mean a film where lots of teenagers have sex and get drunk then all get killed one by one leaving only one survivor that gets killed just before the credits. Now I am just speaking for myself here, and please tell me if you think I'm wrong, but none of that screams Christmas to me. Oh but wait! Black Christmas is set in Canada in December so yeah, that's pretty Christmassy. Nine years after the release of Black Christmas Bob Clark used this experience in 'Christmas' films to direct A Christmas Story.....go figure. But sadly we are not here today to talk about Ralphie's Red Ryder BB gun. We are here to talk about sorority girls choked to death with cling film.
BLACK CHRISTMAS
The Christmas Story
Creepy phone calls are being made to a Sorority house and at first the girls take it in good humor until the following day one of the girls goes missing, then a young girl is found dead in the park and everyone realizes this guy calling the house isn't just a pervy pervy Peter. What follows is girls looking concerned then being stabbed to death with glass unicorns. Oh, and some of the girls have gone skiing for Christmas. 1/5
The Voice of Christmas
Well clearly the voice of Christmas is none other than Mrs. Mac. She stops one of the girls Fathers from seeing posters of naked men and is always pretty happy. She is so jolly when swigging from her hidden whiskey bottles and she owns a cat. She also gets hung from a....hook....yeah I am scrapping the bottom of the Christmas barrel somewhat. There is a guy who plays Santa, but he just calls kids brats and swears a lot in front of under privileged Children. 2/5
The Annoying Li'l Girl At Christmas
It is set in a sorority house so there are many to choose from. However for me the choice is obvious. It can't be the drunk girl cause she is played by Margot Kidder (AKA Lois Lane) It can't be the girl who gets choked with cling film cause that would be mean. It has to be the girl with the most obnoxious English accent in the world. Yeah I know she was awesome in Zeffirelli's Romeo & Juliet but in Black Christmas she just complains and looks worried all the time. She also leaves one girl to be stabbed to death and I think if you were the girl dead from a glass unicorn stabbing you would be a tad annoyed at her. 2/5
The Christmas Miracle
In the world of Slasher movies the Police department are always incompetent. Always. But in Black Christmas only one Cop is a total idiot. He believes that 'Felatio' is the start of a phone number and tells a Father that his lost daughter probably in a cabin naked with her boyfriend. But that's it. Everyone else seems pretty capable. They hold sweep search and actually find a body. They tap a phone and actually trace it to the right home. They even post a cop outside to make sure the girls don't get killed (he does get his throat slit, but you can't say they didn't try) And that is the true miracle, that the police can be competent in at least one horror film. 2/5
The Christmas Message
DON'T ABORT YOUR CHRISTMAS BABY OR YOU WILL BE STALKED BY AND CRAZY MAN AND KILLED!!!!!!!!!!! Anti-abortion messages are pretty Christian, and yes Christmas is after all a Christian Holiday but threatening abortion with murder isn't very Christmassy. 1/5
Additional Notes
-The dude from 2001: a Space Odyssey smashes a piano and cries on the phone +1
-That unicorn stabbing scene is pretty cool +1
- A drunk Lois Lane talking about Turtles that have sex for three days +1
-Pretty much no ironic Christmas music -1
Festivity Rating 10/25
Tomorrow National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation Cos when everything goes wrong it's probably Chevy Chase's Fault
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